Republican National Catastrophe

Well, that was an apocalyptic disaster wrapped in a tragedy. I didn’t want to watch the RNC, because I have too much self-respect to put myself through things of that nature, but I have been bedridden since Wednesday night with some sort of Death-Virus-Not-Otherwise-Specified, so I caught a bit more than the highlights reel.

I have so many thoughts and feelings, but no one needs to hear my frustrated ramblings on the half-melted creamsicle running for President, so I’ll stick to the other people that deigned to show up.

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I found this on Google. Linking to GOP-run sites is too painful.

Melania Trump

This poor woman. Chelsea, you’re going to bat for a supermodel/billionaire’s wife? How can you have pity for someone in her shoes? Well, I do. Do you think that 18 years ago when she made the world’s most painful sacrifice of dignity in exchange for wealth that she thought she’d be carted out in Cleveland to give a plagiarized speech? Do you think she needed know-nothings on the Internet making fun of her accent and grammar? No fucking way. If I were her, I’d need a month at a very expensive spa to recover from this drama.

Here’s the deal: despite the fact that carving Slayer and a pentagram into your forearm is probably more enjoyable than sex with Trump, if I were her I’d have done the same thing. I’ve read about growing up in a Soviet Bloc country and it doesn’t sound fun. Granted, if Trump becomes president, we should be prepared to relive the Cold War to some degree.

My general stance is leave Melania alone. Just let her be beautiful and happy. Don’t make her give grandiose speeches about her African-dictator-level insane husband.

Ivanka Trump

Ivanka is the only Trump I care about. She’s smart, has a cool brand, and is a #momwhoworks. I know she had a privileged upbringing but not every daughter of a rich person becomes an actual role model. She could have been a Paris Hilton or something. She’s articulate and driven. That’s why her speech last night made me absolutely die inside for her. Imagine being a life-long registered Democrat and an advocate for women having to lie her head off about her molest-y dad. Imagine even having to be in a room with more than one Republican. I’m from Massachusetts—I almost never have to deal with that shit.

I don’t judge her. I mean, what would you do? She would have looked like a royal asshole if she’d stayed silent or actively protested the coming apocalypse. Her speech pivoted between sentimental stories about her father and random statistics about women in the workplace, particularly the Trump Organization. Let’s assume that women are treated equally at Trump Org. That very well may be true. After all, Donald J. was a Democrat and friend of the Clintons yesterday. Too bad every single Republican value holds women, people of color, and the poor back while elevating and privileging the already-rich. Trump’s running mate wants to ban all abortion. Republicans think it’s totally fine for Christian-run businesses to deny women basic health care and birth control (Hobby Lobby, anyone?) Republicans c-blocked Obama for 7 and a half years on every damn thing he tried based solely on his race, and I feel fine saying that. Just Google “Romneycare” or basically anything Mitch McConnell has ever said. Honestly, these people. Imagine being a member of a political party whose rhetoric is, “It’s chill to kill black people.”

So, it shattered my heart to hear Ivanka forced to appeal to the “Women for Trump,” also known as the Internalized Misogyny Brigade of America. I hope her brand survives this, and that Ivanka apparel and accessories doesn’t become some sort of Middle America status symbol. Instead of ladies doin’ it for themselves, it was ladies doin’ it…to advance the career of some garbage dude.

Ted Cruz

Who knew that Lucifer Incarnate had a redeeming quality? Good troll, buddy. Now, I know that he’s going to use this to his advantage when Trump loses so that he can run again in 2020. Hey guys, I have integrity. I didn’t endorse that rotting pumpkin left outside until July. But still, it was refreshing to see one person remove the puppeteer’s hand from his rear and stick to his guns. Since voting-with-conscience in this election = voting for Hillary Clinton, I’m just going to pretend he endorsed Hillary. He may as well have. I’m still hoping that he, Paul Ryan, and a select few others are in on this election as a massive piece of performance art proving how truly and unimpeachably idiotic the American people are.

Ben Carson

This fuckin’ guy. He woke up from a nap to let us know that, somehow, Hillary Clinton literally embodies the devil. That’s right y’all: a person who ran for President believes the devil is real in 2016, not 1516. I really don’t have anything else to add. He’s just an adult doctor who believes in the devil. I can’t.

There were so many other laughable moments. Scott Baio, that soap-opera dude. Paul Ryan still calling the GOP the party of Lincoln. Straight-up disrespectful. Let’s hope that the DNC is not similarly deflating.

What was most the horrifying moment of the Convention for you?

—DellaBites

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