Dumb Easy Whiskey Sours & Inauguration Shit

Yeah, that’s right. It’s inauguration Day. The end is nigh. We’ll probably be dead by Monday. So, you deserve a drink tonight. And I’ve got the perfect thing.

I am a whiskey sour fanatic because I’m basic because I love me some citrus, but as I get older, I begin to adopt the Ron Swanson philosophy of drinking: “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

The major problema with whiskey sours, though, is the fact that sour mix grosses me out. And unless you’re in a hipster-y college town where the bartender makes his own bitters (I see you Ithaca, NY), I doubt that a whole lot of fresh-squeezed lemon is happening. Therefore, I never order these out, and they taste all the more special when I make my own.

[guys remember when Barack Obama was President and we all had faith in humanity remember that oh we were so young so naive and now we have to literally watch the apocalypse happen before our very eyes] 

Wow, sorry for the interruption. I’m having a hard day. ANYWAY, here is my foolproof recipe for perfect whiskey sours every damn time.

Dumb Easy Whiskey Sours

  • juice of half a lemon
  • 1/2 tbsp organic maple syrup
  • 1 oz of your favorite bourbon (I’m using Bulleit)
  • splash of lemon, lime, or pure La Croix

Fill a rocks glass with ice. Pour maple syrup, lemon, and bourbon in and stir vigorously. (Alternately, shake these ingredients in a cocktail shaker, if you’re Bond-style). Add the La Croix as a float—this just determines how strong the drink will be. That’s literally it. Garnish with a lemon rind if you fancy. The interwebs suggests garnishing this with a Maraschino cherry, but that’s vile.

My Inaug Survival Kit: La Croix, Chimamanda, iPod playing Janelle Monae, and this cocktail. Notice how the glass is EMPTY ALREADY?

Speaking of Inauguration Survival Kit, a few suggestions for the new regime:

  • Read. Books. By. People. Of. Color. The nation’s highest office was just reclaimed by bigotry, by a racist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic, anti-Semitic, xenophobic administration, so it’s on us to make sure the voices and stories of the marginalized are heard. We should make Ta-Nehisi Coates a shitload of money this year.
  • Don’t let your family & friends that support this bullshit off the hook. By voting for this regime, they have proven that they don’t value your life. Or their own lives, in most cases. They’re not going to get woke on their own, clearly.
  • Donate your money or time (or both). The ACLU is going to save our asses for the next 4 years. The NAACP and SPLC too. Planned Parenthood is under attack yet again. These, among many other amazing organizations, are the bedrock of our democracy. They deserve your money, your time, or both. Become a monthly donor—$5 a month is enough. The number of individual donors is often as important as the dollar amount per donation. We need to show the regime that we care deeply about our values. Y’know, human rights and stuff.
  • Listen to a fuckload of Janelle Monae. This doesn’t seem like a real suggestion, but it is. It will heal you.
  • Use your money wisely. Any business praised by the regime should be boycotted. We can’t let Fearless Leader sell ad space on the flag (as one amazing Twitter-er observed poignantly). Only support businesses that espouse your values. You’ll find that a whole lot of them do.
  • Let yourself have a drink now and again, but don’t give in to despair. It’s so easy to not give a fuck anymore. The world is trash. But we have the power to get educated. To resist. Apply for that grad program or cool new job. Best case scenario: you get to be around like-minded individuals and fuck shit up. Worst case scenario: nuclear war kills us all and you never have to pay back your loans!

How are you resisting in 2017?



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