Eats – Page 7 – Della Bites

Kool Things III

March 24, 2017February 4, 2018 Chelsea HarperLeave a comment

Damn, Chelsea! Back at it again with the white Vans!

(but seriously, I did just get white Vans, and they are [insert fire emoji])

Welcome back to another installment of Kool Things, a series in which I blab about the handful of things that brought sparkle and shine to my life this week. Let’s dive in!

This Comedy Special

Remember how, in the first installment of this series, I said, “Get you a Netflix special that can do both”? Well, here’s another one, coming at you. Amy Schumer serves up some realness on her latest, The Leather Special, which has, like all specials released by women, been ratings-trolled by the same MRA garbage piles that do things like, I assume, picket Planned Parenthood and still bring up Bernie Sanders all the time.

Amy’s stand-up is not my absolute fave (we all know I’m a Jen Kirkman stan), but her show, Inside Amy Schumer, has done some really important work, tackling topics like gun violence, online harassment, and sexual assault in the military, among others. The show was even given a Peabody! The special was no different—it’s mostly her trademark “blue” comedy, but she devotes a portion of the hour to discussing the insane gun loopholes that allow the severely mentally ill, domestic abusers, and suspected terrorists to legally purchase guns in the U.S. At a 2015 screening of her film, Trainwreck, two young women, Mayci and Jillian, were fatally shot, inspiring Schumer’s dedication to sensible gun law advocacy. The special, and a portion of Amy’s book, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo, are dedicated to the memory of the two women.

It’s the particular burden of comics and artists, at least in my opinion, to simultaneously distract and delight us in the ever-darkening political landscape and to raise awareness about social and legislative issues in a way that politicians are failing to do. It is clear from The Leather Special and Inside Amy Schumer that Amy takes the responsibility of her platform seriously and is using her voice to spark positive change. So, if you live outside of the glorious liberal havens known as “blue states”, call your Congressperson and demand gun regulation! Amy Schumer even prints a list of the Congresspeople who receive NRA money in her book—what a handy guide!

And yes, I heard about the Beyoncé controversy, and no, I cannot.

THIS Comedy Special

Two-fer this week! Jerrod Carmichael’s latest special, 8, is currently streaming on HBO and it is wild! I watched it today, on the heels of badass news about his returning NBC sitcom, and I’m glad I did. I’ve really enjoyed his sets on late night shows, so I was super pumped to check out the special, which was directed by my fave, local hero Bo Burnham.

Carmichael’s performance was atypical of what we expect from such a high-profile special. HBO! He appeared to be performing in the center of the room, as opposed to from a giant theatre stage, and his delivery was slow and deliberate. The material itself was, as expected, controversial, but the takes were refreshing and unexpected. I can’t believe a comic got me to laugh at the fact that he doesn’t care about global warming! I plan to watch this special again with my husband—maybe I’ll devote a whole post to it then!

A note: post-watching the special, I read a bit of the press on the special and was really surprised to hear some of the criticism. For example, he got called out on doing divisive rape material, but the material itself seemed (at least to me) to be drawing attention to the issue of consent, and how the culture surrounding sex in this country discourages an open dialogue surrounding consent. So, I guess I’m gonna throw a trigger warning on my recommendation to watch this? I encourage everyone to feel their own feelings about the material.

Relatable pull quote: “I’ve got a lot of fears…I’m afraid of going bald before I fuck Rihanna.”

This Movie

eu_batb_flex-hero_header_r_430eac8d — *all beauty and the beast images via google*

The live action Beauty and the Beast is out! I went to see it yesterday with my dad (cuz we cute), and it was a visually spectacular delight!

Obviously, as a feminist, I have a lot of issues with the content of this and other fairy tales. Narratives like Beauty and the Beast can have really damaging consequences on malleable young minds, and if I have children, I plan to allow them to watch these films with a side dish of discussion on consent, agency, and whack societal norms. I went into this film prepared to love it, but willing to be critical. Also, just FYI, I 100% agree with Dana Schwartz’s brilliant Observer piece, “Why Belle Should Have Chosen Gaston”.

Also, while it was super important for Disney to announce that it would include an out, gay character (Le Fou, played by Josh Gad), the “exclusively gay moment” amounted to little more than cheeky innuendo. The portrayal of Le Fou, and the “Musketeer” that he eventually dances with at the end of the film, leaned very heavily on outdated gay stereotypes, like the assumption that all gay men harbor a secret desire to dress in drag. Drag is a magical, beautiful art form, but not all gay men are drag queens and not every drag queen is gay. I shouldn’t have to explain this to filmmakers in the year of our Lord 2017. To clarify, I’m happy that Disney is finally taking baby steps towards inclusivity, I was just deeply underwhelmed.

All of that being said, I loved this movie. I started tearing up during the opening musical number, “Belle”. Beauty and the Beast and all of the (now) classic animated Disney films, like Aladdin, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, came out right around the time I was born. I must have worn holes in my VHS tapes watching them. I was shocked at how much emotion hearing those songs again brought back. The whole film is visually stunning (I’m sure it will be up for an Oscar next year for costume design or visual effects), Emma Watson holds her own with the singing, and hot British men abound.

*my reaction to not being able to find a decent picture of dan stevens post-transformation with the long hair. just imagine this cartoon as a human man.*

Dan Stevens, who I loved on Downton Abbey and still haven’t forgiven for leaving the show, looks exactly like the cartoon prince/Beast in the animated film. It is uncanny! And Luke Evans as Gaston—dear God, that is one beautiful Welsh man. The cast for this film is insane—you spend the whole film internally screaming, “I KNOW THAT VOICE!” whenever you hear Cogsworth, Lumière, and Mrs. Potts speak, and lo and behold, it’s Ian McKellan, Ewan McGregor, and Emma Thompson! Audra McDonald and Stanley Tucci as the wardrobe and the maestro was simply inspired casting. We were also graced with the presence of Gugu Mbatha-Raw, who is so beautiful that, upon her transformation from feather duster to human, I nearly had a stroke. I hereby demand that all movies be remade with her as the lead!

*gaze upon her! she was a cgi feather duster for the entire film. #wastedopportunites*

The new songs were, well, underwhelming, as they always are in these circumstances (“Paris of My Childhood” is never taking off), but the old songs hold up beautifully and were nearly shot-for-shot the same as the animated film. Notable exceptions are the line, “Marie! The baguettes!” which is the best moment in the original film, and “every last inch of me’s covered with hair” during “Gaston”. Did we not, as audience, deserve to see Luke Evans shirtless, Disney?

Run, don’t walk, to go see this lovely film. I will fully be buying it on Blu-ray as soon as it comes out!

Watch Ariana Grade & John Legend sing the theme song here. Listen to Queen Céline’s new BatB ballad here.

This Tote Bag

I have been to the mountaintop, y’all. The JCrew All-Day Tote in Aqua Haze is where. it. is. at. I’ve been dying to get one of J.Crew’s gorgeous leather bags for ages, and I finally took the plunge this week. Why the hesitation, you ask? Well, price point for one. I have a lot of designer bags (ugh, you rich bitch) that I’ve gotten during sales or at similar price points, but those have the added bonus of resale value/demand, so they’ve been (somewhat) justified purchases. But you’ll have to pry this one out of my cold, dead hands. No resale, just love. *very Stefon voice* This bag has everything: pebbled leather, interior slip pockets, an exterior slip pocket that would fit a novella, a sweet little exterior buttoned pocket the size of a credit card, and a cute little hang-tag. It’s the perfect bag for school or work—it easily fits my MacBook!

Basically, I’m obsessed. I recently read this amazing article on Racked about the surprising inclusivity of handbags, so lately I’ve been super appreciating my growing collection.

Right now this bag is on sale in three colors, with an extra 30% off with code “HAPPYSPRING”! Happy shopping!

This Drank

Wow, really, Chels? Following up a call for sensible gun law reform and a Disney movie with a beverage referenced in a System of a Down song? #priorities

8957f280-eb60-0131-6d5e-0aa0f90d87b4 — *(image source)*

But who cares—I love kombucha! Every time I bring up the ‘buch, I feel like that scene in Annie Hall where Alvy orders the alfalfa sprouts and mashed yeast in L.A. However, I’ve recently started drinking kombucha on the regs and I really love it! The American diet is appallingly lacking in probiotics, so ‘buch is a fun and delicious way to up your daily dose. I haven’t tried making my own yet, but I plan to get a kit soon.

My local Wegman’s (shout of to Wegman’s, the best grocery store ever) has an entire cold case devoted to the stuff, and after weeks of lusting after it, I decided to grab a few to try. KeVita has a bunch of amazing flavors that make the idea of drinking fermented mushroom tea a little bit more palatable. GT’s sells them by the case—I highly recommend “Trilogy”.

I am officially a kombucha convert—come join my club!

This Soup Recipe

Sex-y Corn Chowdah by DellaBites

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m pimping my own recipe from earlier this week. But this series is about my favorite things, damn it, and corn chowder is the best! Haters, make the Beyoncé song and exit to the left. This soup is vegan, contains six different vegetables, and tastes like summer cookouts in a bowl. I’m so into it, I might make it twice this week!

Thanks for listening! Check out some of my other weekly faves here and here!

—DellaBites

Sex-y Corn Chowdah

March 22, 2017March 22, 2017 Chelsea Harper2 Comments

Corn chowder is flipping delicious. Actually, you can put any creamy soup in a bowl, call it chowder, and I will love it, but that’s another issue entirely. #gordo

The only problem with this arguably perfect food is that it is often full of cream and butter, which in moderation are aces, but don’t exactly make for healthy nightly fare. Well, no more. I have created a chowder that is both vegan and made out of six vegetables!

All the veggies / who independent / throw your hands up at me!

I’m really sorry about that. Every time I’m passionate about something, I start helplessly paraphrasing Beyoncé. Six vegetables, though! Now are we getting the title? Where my AP Latin nerds at?

Anyway, here’s my foolproof corn chowder recipe!

Sex-y Corn Chowdah

4 cups corn kernels (fresh is best, frozen will do)
5 cups vegetable broth
1 yellow onion, chopped
3 ribs celery, chopped
1 large russet potato, chopped
1 yellow bell pepper, chopped
1 large organic carrot, peeled and chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
1/4 cup scallions, chopped (the green parts)
salt
black pepper to taste
1 tsp dried basil
juice of half a lemon

Some like it hot…for extra zazz, add 1/4 tsp. of cayenne pepper, or a tablespoon of pimenta moida in with the garlic. Highly recommend.

If using corn cobs: lightly grill or roast the cobs. Let cool and cut the kernels off the cob.

If using frozen corn: measure out 4 cups. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Spread the kernels out, drizzle with olive oil and dust with salt. Roast at 400 degrees for a few minutes, until the kernels start to brown.

Heat the olive oil in a large pot and add the onion and celery. Sprinkle with 1/4 tsp salt and stir. Cook for 3-5 minutes, until the onion is translucent. Next add the carrot, bell pepper, and potato. Cook for another few minutes, adding black pepper and more salt if desired. Next, add the garlic, 3/4 of the corn, and dried basil. Stir and cook until the garlic becomes fragrant. Next, add the broth and let simmer for 10 minutes, or until the potato is fork tender. Remove the pot from heat and blend the soup with an immersion blender until creamy. Once blended, return the pot to low heat and add the lemon juice and the remaining 1/4 of the roasted corn. Simmer for a few more minutes to allow the flavors to combine. Turn off the heat and add the chopped scallions. Stir around and then taste to see if more lemon juice, salt, black pepper, or basil is needed. Serve immediately and top with more chopped scallions, shredded cheddar cheese, or sour cream if desired. Happy snacking!

**Recipe is loosely adapted from the Thug Kitchen Cookbook. Credit where credit is due!

Kool Things II

March 14, 2017February 4, 2018 Chelsea HarperLeave a comment

This week was brutal. Here in vacation destination Boston it’s been in the teens weather-wise, which is enough to crush even the most ardent winter-lover’s soul. I just looked at trusty iPhone for an update—snow expected 3 days this week! I guess spring is cancelled this year.

Also, Daylight Savings was this week. Nothing like being forced to adjust your circadian clock in order to make it to work on time!

I definitely needed some literal and figurative sunshine this week, so let’s dive in!

Lana Del Rey

In honor of Lana’s new song, “Love”, I’ve been revisiting the back catalog. I truly forgot how much I love her music! Despite the fact that she’s really blown up in popularity over the past five years, which is typically the death knell of anything cool, she continues to do whatever the fuck she wants—if anything, her albums get progressively more esoteric and less radio-friendly as the years go by. I’m anticipating the forthcoming album, but in the meantime, I’ve got plenty to keep me busy:

Get Born To Die, Paradise, Ultraviolence, and Honeymoon!

Baron Vaughn

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I couldn’t help but give a shout-out to actor and comedian, Baron Vaughn. I originally discovered him through the Netflix series, Grace & Frankie (which stars the legendary Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda), and have since gone on to devour his back catalog. He’s an absolute genius, and he’s blowing up right now.

He’s appeared on all your favorite podcasts, like 2 Dope Queens and Put Your Hands Together, he’s on 2 Netflix shows right now (the other being Mystery Science Theatre 3000), and his 90’s Disney cartoon theme-songs bit from SXSW nearly put my husband and me into comedy comas. He even replied to me on Twitter once! #braggingrights

Plus, I mean, look at him. He’s fine as hell. Go forth and discover your new favorite comedian!

Buy his album Blaxistential Crisis here.

Watch him do stand-up on Conan here.

Listen to his old podcast here.

Listen to him guest host 2 Dope Queens here.

Listen to him on Sooo Many White Guys here.

Listen to him on The Hilarious World of Depression here.

These ASOS Dresses

I know, I know. I said I was going to cool it with fast fashion. And I have! For the most part! But I had a crappy week and I just wanted to treat myself to something adorable, and they were having a 20% off sale on pretty, flouncy dresses! I’m a human woman! After reading The Curated Closet by Anuschka Rees (more on that here), I’m leaning hard into “uniforms”, and short dresses are my #1. How cute is that blue dress going to be on Easter?

(left: Fashion Union Frill Front Shift Dress, right: PrettyLittleThing Gingham Frill Bardot Dress)

Juice Mill, Bridgewater, MA

This one is very local, but all the same it brought me endless joy and vitamins this week. A new juicery opened in the town where I went to college (and hope to go to grad school!) *very Stefon voice* This place has everything—raw juice, smoothies, acai bowls, wheatgrass shots! So nice to have healthy options! I really could have used this place in undergrad, when I was living off of iced coffee and bagels with hummus, but better late than never. I’m hoping that this new addition to the center is an omen that I’ll get accepted into my program!

*A note about the prices: raw juice is not cheap! And once you’ve done it at home and seen the sheer volume of produce required to make a decent amount of it, you see why. Plus, if you’ve ever cleaned out a juicer, it’s like a sticky jigsaw puzzle but less fun. I like to compare juice to wine—when you’re out at a bar, you don’t bat an eye at paying $7-$9 a glass. Think of it like that, an indulgence—similar price, similar calorie situation (I assume), way more health benes.

This Vegan Queso Recipe

To preface this, I take zero credit! This one comes to you from Wilder Wellness, a health coaching group that I joined last month. The recipes that come along with the membership have been incredible, but this one is SO beyond that I keep a jar of it in my fridge at all times.

Vegan Queso adapted from Wilder Wellness/Wildernessa

1 lb of organic carrots (1 bag of baby carrots, or 2 large carrots chopped)
1 medium sweet potato or an equal amount of chopped butternut squash
1 can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1 cup of coconut milk
1 cup of organic salsa
1/3 cup of nutritional yeast
1 tsp Himalayan pink salt
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp garlic powder

Steam the sweet potato/squash and carrots until fork-tender. Once cooked, combine all ingredients in a food processor until smooth. Thin to desired consistency with more coconut milk. Serve on everything, from tortilla chips to scrambled eggs! I actually used it as a sauce on red lentil penne last night, because I am a goddamned innovator.

I hope these things brighten your week as much as they have mine!

Cheers,

DellaBites

Kool Things

March 8, 2017February 4, 2018 Chelsea HarperLeave a comment

I wanted to call this post The I’ds of March, but a. that is so stupid, and b. then I couldn’t turn it into a series. Unless it was an annual series? Anyway, I called it Kool Things because that title is at once descriptive and a reference to my favorite Sonic Youth song. Win/win.

Kool Things is a (hopefully) weekly series highlighting dope shit that made my week brighter. We’re kind of in the darkest timeline right now, at least in the U.S., so it’s become super important to find joy where you can.

Anyway, here are the things that made my first-week-of-March:

Cristela Alonzo, Lower Classy

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Cristela, who you might know from her short-lived ABC sitcom of the same name, is a comedy angel, and her new special freaking delivered. The jokes were all brilliantly written and expertly delivered, plus, I actually cried at the end. I was moved to tears by the story she tells about her mother. Get you a stand-up special that can do both!

Cristela nails the first-generation American experience, eviscerates Latinx stereotypes, and roasts Whole Foods for their bonkers prices with aplomb. Her voice is a shining light in the white dude-dominated comedy scene, and I’m so glad that she has the amazing platform of Netflix to tell her story.

Watch Cristela’s newest special, Lower Classy, on Netflix now! 5/5

One Part Plant: The Cookbook!

Screen Shot 2017-04-20 at 10.52.44 AM.png

I first heard of Jessica Murnane, plant-based guru and cooking genius, on Karsyn DuPree’s Wilder Podcast. I am a self-professed “cooking dork”, so of course I pre-ordered Jessica’s amazing plant-based cookbook. One Part Plant functions as an educational tool as much as it offers recipes: Murnane, who suffers (suffered?) from endometriosis, found an unlikely cure in plant-based eating, and she talks about the disease at length in the book’s intro. And Lena Dunham, who also famously suffers from endo, penned a letter to open the book. Beyond the discussion of endo, the cookbook gives a realistic overview of everything your kitchen needs, from whisks & sieves to tahini & tamari.

Something notable about this cookbook is that is has a full dessert and snack section. I’m not a huge dessert person, but I love that this book is so well-rounded!

Recipe highlights: Creamy Grits with Avocado & Hot Sauce, Roasted Potato, Corn, & Leek Chowder, Grilled Cinnamon & Banana Sandwich (I mean, WHAT?!)

HARP. designs

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What’s better than modern, chic gold & brass jewelry? Women. Entrepreneurs. The rad lady of HARP. designs also happens to by my cousin, Shelly, an amazingly talented Bay Area jewelry designer and maker. She’s a talent angel with an incredible aesthetic. Madewell wishes their accessories were made this well. Since today we’re participating in A Day Without A Woman (right? RIGHT?), ditch your shitty ASOS bling and come thru for HARP.

I recently treated myself to these amazing slogan pins, because when they go low…

Eisley, I’m Only Dreaming Tour

My soul-loves, Eisley, just released a new record on February 17th! It’s called I’m Only Dreaming, and it’s the first album released with the band’s new line-up (sans Chauntelle, Weston, & Stacy). I saw them on tour last week at Brighton Music Hall and it was absolutely sensational! It was the first time I’d ever been to a show alone, and I’ve gotta tell you: highly recommend! No one to judge you for scream-singing along to every word!

Get I’m Only Dreaming on Amazon or MerchNow!

Set List (Eisley @ Brighton Music Hall, 2.28.17):

Louder Than A Lion (I’m Only Dreaming)
Smarter (The Valley)
Sad (The Valley)
Millstone (Currents)*
Memories (Room Noises)*
Drink The Water (Currents)*
I Could Be There For You (Combinations)*
Shelter (Currents)*
Song for the Birds (I’m Only Dreaming)
Many Funerals (Combinations)
You Are Mine (I’m Only Dreaming)
Lost At Sea (Room Noises)
Defeatist (I’m Only Dreaming)
I Wasn’t Prepared (Room Noises)
The Night Comes (Currents)
Invasion (Combinations)
I Was Wondering (Combinations)
Ambulance (The Valley)*

*songs with Stacy or Chauntelle originally on lead vox!

American Apparel (RIP)

Is this basic? I’m not sure I care. American Apparel has been at the center of tons of legal & ethical drama over the years, but at its core—American-made, unisex-leaning clothes? Fine by me. They’re bankrupt or going out of business or something, and everything on their site is 40% off. EVERYTHING. AA’s price points were always a deterrent to me, so this added discount piqued my interest.

Pro-tips for shoppers: their size charts are accurate. Measure thyself. Don’t rely on what size you *think* you are, because your acid-wash shorts will function like a whale-bone corset.

The lesson here? Always pester stylish girls you see about where they got their high-waisted jeans. You will be rewarded.

And last but certainly not least…

A Day Without A Woman

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Today’s the day! Organized by the same group that executed the massively successful post-inauguration Women’s March on Washington, A Day Without A Woman is a campaign seeks to illustrate the impact that women (51% of the population, yo) have on daily life and the economy. Today we wear red, avoid paid or unpaid labor, and withhold our money from businesses not owned and operated by women. Most women can’t just peace out of work on a Wednesday (I’m lucky enough to have today off), but there are so many little ways we can all participate in the Resistance! To cop a slogan from Portlandia, Women and Women First!

I hope to see you all out in the streets rocking red!

—DellaBites

*all images via google or the linked sites

Bake Like an Italian

January 25, 2017January 25, 2017 Chelsea HarperLeave a comment

I like baking cookies and I cannot lie. They are, frankly, the only thing I like baking. I’m borderline afraid of using yeast and cake repulses me. So, cookies!

I loved Italian cookies growing up but never snagged a family recipe, so I was super thrilled when a coworker of mine from Italy brought these into work recently! I made sure to grab her perfect recipe and finally got around to testing it out this morning. Great success, even from this anise skeptic. The best thing about these is that they are preposterously easy to make. They make chocolate chip cookies look like one of the Barefoot Contessa’s fancy soufflés. Let’s get going!

Mama Talia’s Italian Cookies

1 1/2 c butter, melted
3 eggs, beaten
3/4 c sugar
3 c all-purpose flour
1 tsp anise extract*
4 tsp baking powder

For the glaze:

2 c confectioner’s sugar
1/4 tsp anise extract
boiling water

*She also mentioned that Sambuca would do the trick in lieu of anisette…

Preheat the oven to 350. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper (the recipe makes 2 dozen). Beat the eggs, and then add the melted butter, anise, and sugar. Beat until smooth. Stir in the flour and baking powder until just combined. Roll the dough into balls. Don’t flatten them! Bake for 10-15 minutes (depending on your oven), rotating at the halfway mark. Let cool completely on the cookie sheets.

When the cookies are cool, make the glaze by drizzling boiling water over confectioner’s sugar and anise and whisking until it reaches an Elmer’s glue-esque consistency. Dip each of the cookies into the glaze until the top is well coated and add sprinkles if desired. Let the glaze harden before storing!

See? Literally the easiest cookies ever. Now, to avoid eating a dozen of them instead of tonight’s dinner…

Dumb Easy Whiskey Sours & Inauguration Shit

January 20, 2017March 23, 2017 Chelsea HarperLeave a comment

Yeah, that’s right. It’s inauguration Day. The end is nigh. We’ll probably be dead by Monday. So, you deserve a drink tonight. And I’ve got the perfect thing.

I am a whiskey sour fanatic ~~because I’m basic~~ because I love me some citrus, but as I get older, I begin to adopt the Ron Swanson philosophy of drinking: “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

The major problema with whiskey sours, though, is the fact that sour mix grosses me out. And unless you’re in a hipster-y college town where the bartender makes his own bitters (I see you Ithaca, NY), I doubt that a whole lot of fresh-squeezed lemon is happening. Therefore, I never order these out, and they taste all the more special when I make my own.

[guys remember when Barack Obama was President and we all had faith in humanity remember that oh we were so young so naive and now we have to literally watch the apocalypse happen before our very eyes]

Wow, sorry for the interruption. I’m having a hard day. ANYWAY, here is my foolproof recipe for perfect whiskey sours every damn time.

Dumb Easy Whiskey Sours

juice of half a lemon
1/2 tbsp organic maple syrup
1 oz of your favorite bourbon (I’m using Bulleit)
splash of lemon, lime, or pure La Croix

Fill a rocks glass with ice. Pour maple syrup, lemon, and bourbon in and stir vigorously. (Alternately, shake these ingredients in a cocktail shaker, if you’re Bond-style). Add the La Croix as a float—this just determines how strong the drink will be. That’s literally it. Garnish with a lemon rind if you fancy. The interwebs suggests garnishing this with a Maraschino cherry, but that’s vile.

*My Inaug Survival Kit: La Croix, Chimamanda, iPod playing Janelle Monae, and this cocktail. Notice how the glass is EMPTY ALREADY?*

Speaking of Inauguration Survival Kit, a few suggestions for the new regime:

Read. Books. By. People. Of. Color. The nation’s highest office was just reclaimed by bigotry, by a racist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic, anti-Semitic, xenophobic administration, so it’s on us to make sure the voices and stories of the marginalized are heard. We should make Ta-Nehisi Coates a shitload of money this year.
Don’t let your family & friends that support this bullshit off the hook. By voting for this regime, they have proven that they don’t value your life. Or their own lives, in most cases. They’re not going to get woke on their own, clearly.
Donate your money or time (or both). The ACLU is going to save our asses for the next 4 years. The NAACP and SPLC too. Planned Parenthood is under attack yet again. These, among many other amazing organizations, are the bedrock of our democracy. They deserve your money, your time, or both. Become a monthly donor—$5 a month is enough. The number of individual donors is often as important as the dollar amount per donation. We need to show the regime that we care deeply about our values. Y’know, human rights and stuff.
Listen to a fuckload of Janelle Monae. This doesn’t seem like a real suggestion, but it is. It will heal you.
Use your money wisely. Any business praised by the regime should be boycotted. We can’t let Fearless Leader sell ad space on the flag (as one amazing Twitter-er observed poignantly). Only support businesses that espouse your values. You’ll find that a whole lot of them do.
Let yourself have a drink now and again, but don’t give in to despair. It’s so easy to not give a fuck anymore. The world is trash. But we have the power to get educated. To resist. Apply for that grad program or cool new job. Best case scenario: you get to be around like-minded individuals and fuck shit up. Worst case scenario: nuclear war kills us all and you never have to pay back your loans!

How are you resisting in 2017?

—DellaBites

A Smoothie Life Hack for the Ages

August 29, 2016 Chelsea HarperLeave a comment

I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, so one of the biggest challenges to the whole wellness/smoothie life thing I’ve committed to is, how do I get a smoothie and a cup of coffee into me during my 20-minute drive to work? I need the coffee to do the smiling and the talking (very important in the business we call retail), but I need the smoothie and the protein to not starve to death within my first hour of work. I’ve never been a chugger of liquids—my La Croixs always go flat before I finish them, and I’m used to dealing with watery iced coffee and cocktails. I needed a solution—one that didn’t involve me actually waking up earlier, duh.

So, many moons ago, while make the baby steps towards the wellness journey on which I now find myself, I discovered a little website called Nutrition Stripped. The lifestyle site is run out of Nashville by dietician/nutritionist McKel Hill. It’s basically a smoothie-recipe Mecca. As the completist I am, I pre-ordered McKel’s cookbook and everything. It’s been a big hit here at the Fig household.

So, when I discovered the Mood Boosting Cocoa Smoothie, it was my Eureka moment.

It puts the coffee IN the smoothie!

I’ve made this smoothie, like, a hundred times, with minor variations here and there based on ingredients I have on hand. I’ve been adding spirulina to get those greens! But when you have something every day, you’re bound to get a little restless and want to try new things. Therefore, I give you, The Strawberry Morning Milkshake! It’s just a variation on McKel Hill’s theme, credit where credit is due, but my oh my is it a delight.

Strawberry Morning Milkshake

makes just under 4 cups, serves 2

1 banana, fresh or frozen*
1/2 c. chopped strawberries (about 4 large strawberries), fresh or frozen*
2 tbsp. chia seeds
1 scoop Vega vanilla protein powder
1/2 c. to 1 c. of cold brew
1 c. unsweetened organic almond milk

In a high-powered blender, add all ingredients and blend until smooth! Serve immediately, and refrigerate leftovers for up to two days.

If you have a normal blender, like me, add all ingredients except almond milk, and process at a slower speed until smooth. Then add in your almond milk and go to town on that high setting!

I prefer a thinner smoothie, so I add all of the coffee I possibly can to this. But if you want a classic milkshake feel, I’d keep the 1/2 c. cold brew : 1 c. almond milk ratio.

*I recommend frozen fruit for this recipe, both for the temperature of the smoothie, and the milkshake-esque texture.

Optional Add-ins for Optimal Nutrition

1 tsp spirulina*
1 pitted date (for sweetness)
1 c. baby spinach
1 tbsp. flax seeds or flax meal
2 Brazil nuts

*The spirulina will slightly alter the color and taste of the smoothie, so I recommend trying it once without to get a frame of reference.

So, there you have it. A full cup of coffee and enough protein and nutrients to keep you full until your lunch break. No compromises necessary! You’ll be able to finish this on your morning commute in between embarrassing performances of every song from Hamilton. And if you think strawberries and coffee are an odd combination, have faith, don’t forget your vanilla protein powder, and enjoy!

—DellaBites

Sweet Heat Chickpeas & Vegan Mashed

August 28, 2016August 28, 2016 Chelsea HarperLeave a comment

So, I accidentally created the best dinner ever tonight. It started with a mashed potato craving, was facilitated by a bunch of produce I needed to use up, and resulted in heaven.

Sweet Heat Chickpeas

2 small beets, peeled & chopped
1 large zucchini, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
2 c. green cabbage, chopped
2 cans chickpeas, drained & rinsed
1/4 c. pimenta moida*, or red pepper flakes to taste
2 tbsp. avocado oil
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. paprika
salt & ground black pepper to taste

Vegan Mashed

4 russet potatoes, peeled & chopped
1/2 c. unsweetened organic almond milk (make sure it’s not vanilla!)
3 tbsp. Earth Balance
1/2 tsp. ground white pepper
salt & ground black pepper to taste

Preheat your oven to 400. If you have a Convection Roast setting, use it to get that roasty-toasty crunch.

To get the Mashed going, throw your chopped taters in a saucepan, cover them with cold water by about an inch, and bring to a boil. Once boiling, reduce heat and simmer potatoes until fork tender.

For the Chickpeas, add all of the ingredients to a glass baking dish, toss to combine, and stick that mother in the oven. Remove and stir every 5-10 minutes, or as you notice the top of the dish browning. The liquid released from the zucchini will keep everything moist as its cooking, so you don’t really have to worry about anything drying out or burning. The chickpeas are done when the zucchini is soft and the beets are fork-tender (about 20 mins), but you can cook for up to an hour if you prefer more crunch.

While the chickpeas are cooking, drain your potatoes, add in your add-ins, and then mash until smooth. Don’t over-mash or they’ll turn to glue!

so much yum
When the chickpeas are done, give them a good stir, then plate and serve! If you’re like me, you’ll mix the mashed and the chickpeas and veggies into a food mountain on your plate. So delicious!

*A note on pimenta moida: I’ve never actually made this. You can (I assume) buy this at specialty Portuguese grocers. My mother-in-law is from the Azores, and she made an enormous batch of it in the spring and gave some to all the kids. Literally, this is how much pimenta I have:

full size pitcher of cold brew for reference
That thing was FULL just a few months ago. I could drink the stuff.

I hope this recipe helps you all take baby steps towards putting weird shit like beets and cabbage in your dinners! So into cabbage right now!

Bon appetit!

—DellaBites

I Tried Blue Apron

August 18, 2016November 7, 2016 Chelsea HarperLeave a comment

So, I caved and finally tried Blue Apron. I got a hell of a deal, too. Some of my favorite podcasts (like SMNTY!) are sponsored by Blue Apron, so I used one of their promo codes to get $30 off.

But then I chickened out. I’ve talked too much smack about meal services! I cook every damn day. It’s 24/7 gourmet in my house. I couldn’t sell out like that. (My inner monologue is really modest, huh?)

But then I got an e-mail offering a promotional code for $40 off. Which means I’d get the first week (3 meals for 2!) for $19.99. How was I supposed to resist that? Plus, I’d just gotten an influx of cash from my bridal shower and I figured that the brand new fancy flatware and new dishes deserved some thoughtful meals to go with them.

As I mentioned before, I’ve talked some smack about the concept of Blue Apron. Like, the notion that I wouldn’t already have basic healthy ingredients in my house is borderline insulting. But I can really see how, to someone who doesn’t share my rabid obsession for cooking, it is a really useful leg-up. The recipes are insanely easy to follow and meal-prep is pretty minimal. And they have a vegetarian meal-plan without being judge-y or charging extra (although let’s be real—vegetarian meals are way cheaper!)

Night One: Spicy Peperonata Pasta with Tinkerbell Peppers, Cherry Tomatoes, & Pine Nuts

I’ve got to hand it to them—this recipe was sensationally delicious. I didn’t even know Perciatelli pasta existed, and now that I’ve seen the light, I’m never buying spaghetti again. I’ve also wasted 25 years not putting capers in my red sauces—never again will I be so remiss.

Apart from these beautiful innovations, however, I felt a little stifled by the recipe. Me being me, I…improved upon this already solid recipe by adding sliced white onion into the base of the sauce, and replacing about 1/2 cup of the liquid with white wine. I also neglected to wipe out the pan after toasting the pine nuts, as any residue (I assumed) would add a lovely flavor profile to the foundation of the sauce. I was also able to cut the prep time in half with what I call “building”: instead of slicing the vegetables/ingredients ahead of time, I add ingredients to the pan one at a time prepping as I go, starting with onions and then moving to firmer vegetables and herbs. I am not what you call a “mise-en-place” chef.

All in all, it was a really positive experience, despite my incredulous Snap Story—they included a tiny baggie of pre-measured-out red pepper flakes &parmesan cheese! Who doesn’t have a jar of red pepper flakes and a block of parm in the house at all times?

Stats for Peperonata Pasta

Taste: 10/10

Ingredients: 8/10

Presentation: 10/10

Skill level: First time at the rodeo

Day Two: Summer Vegetable & Quinoa Bowls with Fairy Tale Eggplants, Shishito Peppers, & Corn

I ended up making this dish as a late lunch the following day. I figured since it was so veggie-heavy it would be a perfect midday meal. I had some leftover zucchini from the farmer’s market, so I added it into the recipe. I also went a little heavy on the rice vinegar and olive oil in the dressing to accommodate the extra veggie volume. Apart from those additions, I followed the recipe perfectly, which is almost impossible for me to do!

The bowls came out delicious, but I’m wishing that I had had my way with them. I’d definitely have added a clove of minced garlic to the dressing and some lightly-cooked sliced red onions to the top as a garnish. I think chopped basil might have also been a lovely addition. Ooh, or fresh cilantro!

It was great to use shishito peppers, an ingredient I’d never even heard of before. The eggplants were also fabulous! Eggplant is such an iffy veggie for me. I love it in a Parm, or in a seasoned “meat” -ball, but on its own the texture is usually slimy and icky. The large dice and the light sauté was transformative!

Even though this wasn’t a knock-out dish, it really gave me some big ideas. Cold marinated cucumbers on top of a hot bowl of vegan goodness? Sheer madness—but it worked. I paired it with a local rosé from the farmer’s market because apparently they sell wine at the farmer’s market every other week! So resentful of working every Saturday, I can’t even tell you.

Stats for Quinoa Bowls

Taste: 8/10

Ingredients: 10/10

Presentation: 9/10

Skill level: Beginner

Night Three: Couscous-Stuffed Zucchini with Goat Cheese & Summer Squash Salad

This dish was 50 shades of divine. Seriously ingenious. I’ll be making this frequently. I had a bunch of organic fresh green beans leftover from the farmer’s market so I added them in for more green-ness. The more veggies in any given meal, the better.

This menu was a little more involved than the others (it took a baking dish, a pan, and a pot!), but still was a breeze to whip up. I can’t believe how incredibly simple the vinaigrette was! Just lemon juice, olive oil, salt, and pepper. One of the best salad dressings I’ve ever had. The warm veggies on the cold arugula was a delight—something I’d never have thought of. Also, shallots! I love me a shallot! Shallots: garlic’s onion-y cousin. It’s truly a perfect food.

I was so pleased with this dish. I can’t extoll its virtues enough. The light, citrus-y flavor of the vinaigrette juxtaposed with the richness of the goat cheese made this the perfect summer dinner.

Stats for Couscous-Stuffed Zucchini

Taste: 10/10

Ingredients: 10/10

Presentation: 10/10

Skill level: Begin-termediate

Some Notes

I think, overall, Blue Apron is an awesome service that promotes healthy eating and cooking. Not everyone has access to the incredible resources that people in more urban areas have (half the country is a food desert!) and organic produce isn’t growing in everyone’s backyard. My hope is that the people who use this service will gain skills that then translate to mindful grocery shopping, meal-planning, and more time in the kitchen.

They could definitely be more mindful about packaging, though. I know you can’t stick a block of butter in a paper sack, but there was so, so much plastic. There’s got to be a better way! Compostable containers, maybe? I’m going to reuse those insane giant ice packs that come in the bottom of the box for sure. They do include recycling instructions on their site, so at least they’re aware of the issue.

Also, vegan/gluten-free/allergy-conscious recipes! Some of the recipes accidentally fit the bill, but there isn’t a menu or option that ensures it. I’m sure there are a ton of people that would love to order this service, but can’t because of severe allergies. Inclusivity is everything.

I’m still iffy about whether or not I’ll order another delivery, unless I know in advance that I have a crazy busy week, but I’m glad I tried it. Instead of mocking those that don’t have an innate desire to concoct soup recipes and hone their knife skills, I’m going to do my best to be encouraging. It’s all about spending time in the kitchen! You can cook a Blue Apron meal in less time than it takes to order a pizza, and each meal is packed with nutrition. Anything that gets the average American to get his or her butt in front of the stove to make a mindful meal is good by me!

Have you tried a meal-delivery service? What was your experience like?

—DellaBites

I Got My Hash Pipe

August 17, 2016August 17, 2016 Chelsea HarperLeave a comment

There is no food I love more than potatoes. Potatoes are the single greatest thing to ever grow out of the earth. Basically, you can do anything to a potato and it still tastes delicious.

One of my fave things to do to a potato is to make them breakfast-appropriate. We don’t eat your typical meat-and-potatoes diet (obviously), so incorporating my beloved potato into meals can be a tad difficult.

Thus, Lazy Sunday Hash was born! And yes, I’m making it on a Wednesday because I don’t abide by the rules of society. This recipe has the added bonus of minimal prep-time and effort!

hash with organic ketchup (for when you run out of eggs)
Lazy Sunday Hash

serves 2 very hungry people, or up to 6 reasonable people

2 Russet potatoes, diced
1 handful of fresh organic green beans, chopped
1 handful of chopped scallions
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 red onion, chopped
2 tbsp avocado or olive oil
2 tsp paprika
salt & black pepper to taste

Preheat the oven to 350 (use that lovely roast setting if you’ve got it!)

Prep your veggies and put them all into a glass baking dish. Sprinkle on your spices. Toss in the avocado oil until well coated, and stick in the oven.

Slow-roast for an hour, removing and stirring every 15 minutes for even cooking.

**If you don’t have an hour to kill, set the cook temp higher and stir more frequently. The hash is done when the potatoes are fork-tender.

This hash is best-served underneath two over-easy eggs & a generous sprinkling of hot sauce!

Enjoy, mes amis!

—DellaBites

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