Yeah, that’s right. It’s inauguration Day. The end is nigh. We’ll probably be dead by Monday. So, you deserve a drink tonight. And I’ve got the perfect thing.
I am a whiskey sour fanatic because I’m basic because I love me some citrus, but as I get older, I begin to adopt the Ron Swanson philosophy of drinking: “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
The major problema with whiskey sours, though, is the fact that sour mix grosses me out. And unless you’re in a hipster-y college town where the bartender makes his own bitters (I see you Ithaca, NY), I doubt that a whole lot of fresh-squeezed lemon is happening. Therefore, I never order these out, and they taste all the more special when I make my own.
[guys remember when Barack Obama was President and we all had faith in humanity remember that oh we were so young so naive and now we have to literally watch the apocalypse happen before our very eyes]
Wow, sorry for the interruption. I’m having a hard day. ANYWAY, here is my foolproof recipe for perfect whiskey sours every damn time.
Dumb Easy Whiskey Sours
juice of half a lemon
1/2 tbsp organic maple syrup
1 oz of your favorite bourbon (I’m using Bulleit)
splash of lemon, lime, or pure La Croix
Fill a rocks glass with ice. Pour maple syrup, lemon, and bourbon in and stir vigorously. (Alternately, shake these ingredients in a cocktail shaker, if you’re Bond-style). Add the La Croix as a float—this just determines how strong the drink will be. That’s literally it. Garnish with a lemon rind if you fancy. The interwebs suggests garnishing this with a Maraschino cherry, but that’s vile.
My Inaug Survival Kit: La Croix, Chimamanda, iPod playing Janelle Monae, and this cocktail. Notice how the glass is EMPTY ALREADY?
Speaking of Inauguration Survival Kit, a few suggestions for the new regime:
Read. Books. By. People. Of. Color. The nation’s highest office was just reclaimed by bigotry, by a racist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic, anti-Semitic, xenophobic administration, so it’s on us to make sure the voices and stories of the marginalized are heard. We should make Ta-Nehisi Coates a shitload of money this year.
Don’t let your family & friends that support this bullshit off the hook. By voting for this regime, they have proven that they don’t value your life. Or their own lives, in most cases. They’re not going to get woke on their own, clearly.
Donate your money or time (or both). The ACLU is going to save our asses for the next 4 years. The NAACP and SPLC too. Planned Parenthood is under attack yet again. These, among many other amazing organizations, are the bedrock of our democracy. They deserve your money, your time, or both. Become a monthly donor—$5 a month is enough. The number of individual donors is often as important as the dollar amount per donation. We need to show the regime that we care deeply about our values. Y’know, human rights and stuff.
Listen to a fuckload of Janelle Monae. This doesn’t seem like a real suggestion, but it is. It will heal you.
Use your money wisely. Any business praised by the regime should be boycotted. We can’t let Fearless Leader sell ad space on the flag (as one amazing Twitter-er observed poignantly). Only support businesses that espouse your values. You’ll find that a whole lot of them do.
Let yourself have a drink now and again, but don’t give in to despair. It’s so easy to not give a fuck anymore. The world is trash. But we have the power to get educated. To resist. Apply for that grad program or cool new job. Best case scenario: you get to be around like-minded individuals and fuck shit up. Worst case scenario: nuclear war kills us all and you never have to pay back your loans!
Harpers/Faheys/MacFarlands/Baumhauers/Rufos/Figueiredos/my famBrothers left to right: 17 & 23Brothers left to right: gordo 1 & gordo 2Buddies.
My dad is actually Bryan Cranston, though.
Of course I wore sneakers.
As you can tell, we tried really hard to make this a thing.
Date.
The most me. Hot sauce favors in my bag, swag.Portuguese AF. Biscoitos for life.
Godmother.
All four Mrs. Figs.
Pai/sogro/favorite person.
A huge thank you to everyone who came to our wedding and supported our journey. It was…unusual to say the least. I am humbled by these photos—the evidence of so much love, family, and friendship.
Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, premiered on Netflix last month after nine long years without new Gilmore content. The night before the mini-series was set to air, I was as, if not more anxious than I was at my own wedding. Don’t get me wrong—I love my husband—but Stars Hollow is in my blood. I may very well have spent more time with the Gilmores than I have with him, although he’s definitely catching up—there are only so many episodes, after all.
Before I gracefully swan-dive into criticism, I want to start by saying that Gilmore Girls is my favorite television show. It came to me in a dark period of my life (I started watching weekly during season 4), and it spoke to me, as a fast-talking, book-reading, pop-culture-referencing, brunette New Englander. In my mind, I was Rory. In reality, I was way more of a Lorelai/Lane hybrid, except way less cool.
In 2007, Gilmore Girls was cancelled after the departure of its creator, Amy Sherman-Palladino and a somewhat disastrous seventh season. A lot has changed in the nine years since Gilmore Girls stopped airing. The proverbial “conversation” has changed. Sixteen years ago (when it began airing), it was par for the course for a show to be tone-deaf about social issues. Most shows lacked diversity in casting. Actors of color were criminally underused, LGBT characters were novelties, and trans characters simply didn’t exist. Gilmore Girls broke no barriers. The most revolutionary aspect of the show was its portrayal of a single teen mother succeeding despite her circumstances, and even that portrayal was inherently flawed—Gilmore existed in a bubble in which money was no issue, and only ever brought up as a plot point. The Girls were fed, sheltered, and wanted for nothing.
As for race—I can vouch for small New England towns lacking diversity. I’m from one. But television is escapism—the creators had the freedom to diversify the idyllic Stars Hollow, seeing as every other aspect of the fictional town is deeply unrealistic. Interestingly enough, Michel, the concierge of the Independence, and later the Dragonfly, Inns, who was the show’s only meaningful black character, was also portrayed as (early-00s) stereotypically gay, with his love of Céline Dion, fashion, and Emily Gilmore-esque propriety. It’s almost as if the Palladinos cashed in a two-for-one coupon, but not in the self-aware, irreverent way in which Tina Fey & co. wrote the character “Toofer.”
Throughout the series (having rewatched it from the start in preparation for the revival), there are numerous cringe-worthy gay and cross-dressing jokes that fall as flat as the inevitably outdated pop culture references, but overall it can certainly be deemed a feminist series, albeit a white feminist one. #intersectionality
Thus, ardent fans new and old anxiously awaited our return to the Stars Hollow universe. And the first few scenes truly did feel as warm and comforting as slipping on a pair of decade-old Ugg boots. I mean, this:
And this:
The feels! Also, Emily’s entire storyline. We all can agree that Kelly Bishop is an actual queen, right? Perfect actress, perfect role.
P.S. Lorelai’s remodeled kitchen is #GOALS.
So now, in order to keep myself from emotionally babbling, let’s go through some bullet points:
Relationships: Our (real) beloved Edward Herrman passed away in 2014, leaving our (fictional) Emily Gilmore widowed at the start of the series. Lorelai & Luke are cohabiting but unmarried (for reasons which are never explained). Rory is a hot mess: she has a long-term boyfriend, Paul, whom she can’t seem to remember exists, she’s sleeping with engaged-to-another-woman Logan on her jaunts to London, and she has a one-night stand with a guy in a Wookie costume. Oh yeah, and she ends up single and preggo. (#whydoesamyshermanpalladinohateyou)
Careers: Emily transitions from DAR to ACK—namely, she quits being a socialite and moves to Nantucket to generally be a badass queen. Lorelai seeks to expand the Dragonfly, which is doing well enough to hire Ina Garten & Rachael Ray, so…I’d say she’s successful. Rory is again, a hot mess with basically no career—highlights include a piece published in the New Yorker and “a lot of [vague af] irons in the fire.” By the end of the mini-series, she essentially realizes that she sucks at journalism and proceeds to start a book, aptly called Gilmore Girls.
Diversity:womp womp. Still almost no people of color, despite multiple scenes in NYC (?!?!?), and gay representation is horrendous. Michel is finally out (and married! and about to become an adoptive parent!), but apart from that, we have a new gay SH resident, Donald, no lesbians, no bi characters, and no trans characters. And we have to sit through a soul-crushing scene re: a Stars Hollow Pride Parade. It’s 50 Shades of bad. Also—Berta. Emily’s maid throughout the mini-series, is a mysterious ethnicity speaking a “nonsense” language. Borderline xenophobic and weird—forgivable because the character is portrayed brilliantly by none other than Gypsy (Rose Abdoo).
Boyfriends: Digger makes an appearance. Christopher drops by for a brief but HELLA IMPORTANT scene. Mother-flipping LELAND PALMER (Ray Wise) briefly courts Emily. Jess Mariano remains the one voice of reason and clarity in Rory’s life (and is still clearly in love with her). Dean Forrester lives in Scranton and is married with 3-almost-4 children. Logan is engaged to a French heiress, but, oh yeah, has this mistress named Rory Gilmore with whom he is still clearly in love.
If you can look at this photo and not feel 1,000 feels, you are heartless.
Cameos! Cameos! Cameos!
I would like to start by saying that I’m not going to mention the Bunheads people. I never saw Bunheads (planning to fix that), so I’d be pointing out something that I myself didn’t even understand.
Chris Eigeman (Digger Stiles) – Lorelai’s season 4 former flame makes a brief appearance in the flashback to Richard’s funeral. Fuck the haters, I loved this. I truly liked that character and thought he and Lorelai were good together. I’m #TeamLuke, but it’s hard to be so loyal when Max & Digger are so freaking awesome.
Danny Strong (Doyle McMaster) – My beloved Doyle only gets a couple of brief scenes, amidst the turmoil of his separation from Paris.
David Sutcliffe (Christopher Hayden) – Baby daddy gets one scene. Of course, in retrospect, it turns out to be SUCH a fucking important scene, but they definitely could have used Christopher, who was so important to the plot of the original series, much better.
Gregg Henry (Mitchum Huntzberger) – Mitchum gets one scene? Come on. Mitchum is the only person that was ever honest with Rory about her journalistic prospects. He changed the course of her life, in a way. He was important! I think Mitchum was honestly more influential than Logan! Gregg Henry is an amazing actor and he was ILL-SERVED in this revival. #moremitchum
Ray Wise (Jack Smith, Emily’s new boo) – Leland freaking Palmer is in the reboot. It was kind of distracting because I LOVE me some Twin Peaks, but apparently so does ASP. Half the cast of TP has been on GG at some point or another.
Mae Whitman (line girl) – Mae’s cameo is brief, but a total Lauren/Parenthood shout-out. We LOVE Ann Veal!
Alex Kingston (Naomi Shropshire) – River. Mother. Flipping. Song. Is. In. The. Revival. Enough said. This was a dead-end story-line but worth it for RIVER SONG.
Jason Mantzoukas (Naomi Shropshire’s lawyer) – The fact that Mantzoukas is a huge GG fan brings joy and radiance to my life, and his inclusion in the revival is a ray of sunshine in a dismal world.
Kevin T. Porter & Demi Adejuyigbe (B-list actors at the Dragonfly) – The Gilmore Guys are in the revival! This makes me so happy. Kevin & Demi are doing god’s work with their amazing podcast, which I’ve blogged about previously.
Rachael Ray & Roy Choi – In Sookie’s absence, the Dragonfly hosts celebrity chef pop-ups. Realistic? No. Hilarious? Yes! Rachael Ray’s over-acting breathes life into me.
Paul Anka – The Paul Anka dreams had to come back.
Dan Bucatinsky (GQ editor) – What a dream this man is. Check him out on Jen Kirkman’s “They Seem Fun” for more info.
Alex Borstein (Miss Celine) – Miss Celine was one of the most wonderful parts of the original series. I’m so glad that the Palladinos graced the fans with one last look.
Jason Ritter & Peter Krause (park rangers) – Parenthood shout-outs 2 & 3! Jason played Lauren Graham’s love interest on Parenthood, and Peter is her real-life boo! I was psyched to see them in the reboot.
And last but not least, Jess Mariano, a.k.a. Jess Mariano. Unfortunately, his part amounts to little more than a cameo, but JFC, look at this man:
Those arms, tho.
Are you KIDDING me?
Milo was busy shooting his amazing new show This Is Us, so he couldn’t be a huge part of the revival, but the few moments he appeared on screen were among the best.
In Omnia Paratus!
Okay, so, everyone seems to hate the Life & Death Brigade sequence , but I am coming out strongly in favor of all of it. It had Twin Peaks. It had the Beatles (via Across the Universe). It has kooky outfits & Rosemary Clooney! Disclaimer: I’ve been Team Logan since DAY ONE, so of course I was going to love this callback. Especially considering the final four words, these scenes have additional gravitas. The frustrating thing, though, is that there is no obstacle to Rory & Logan being together, except both of them sucking as people. I guess we’ll find out what happens with them in the next series of episodes, because of course they’re going to make more, because $$$$.
#JUSTICEFORLANEKIM
Much has been said about this already, but Lane gets about 45 total seconds of screen-time in the entire revival. Considering her life was…derailed in Season 7, to put it politely, superfans were desperate to see how Amy resolved Lane’s story. This more than anything seemed to highlight the undeniable notion that the meta-narrative of this show is that we all become our mothers. Lane’s working at Kim’s antiques, wearing a Mrs. Kim smock and bob. Paris’s kids like the nanny more than her. Rory ends up unwed and pregnant, albeit at 32 instead of 16. P.S. ONE scene with Mrs. Kim? Are you kidding me?
So, overall, I loved the revival because it was a revival of my favorite show. I loved the Arrested Development revival too. And I’m sure I’ll love the Curb Your Enthusiasm reboot as well. But that definitely doesn’t excuse Amy Sherman-Problematic from, well, being herself. As much as I cherish the existence of these new episodes, there are so many things I want from any potential further episodes. I want more Paris, more Lane, more Miss Patty—more of the characters that are the true heartbeat of the show. There’s so much more to talk about, but I think a lot of us are still rewatching and processing.
There will be much more discussion of the revival here. For those of you thirsty to dive into deep discussions about it, hit up my boys The Gilmore Guys who just dropped their “Fall” episode today.
What was your favorite episode of the revival?
—DellaBites
*all images pulled from google/the internet—I take zero credit for anything
It’s becoming deeply apparent that all I care about is podcasts. Free entertainment constantly at my fingertips? I’m a comedy junkie/nerd, so podcasts are an amazing way to get my fix without parking myself in front of the TV. I feel like I’m never not learning!
2 Dope Queens is tied with I Seem Fun for my absolute favorite podcast currently in existence. Hosted by Phoebe Robinson & Jessica Williams (of Daily Show fame), 2 Dope Queens is a stand-up showcase framed by Pheebs and Jessica’s banter. This podcast makes me laugh out loud while I’m alone. I’m sure other drivers on the road think I’m demented. I admire Phoebe & Jessica so much for the amazing successes they’ve had in their careers at such young ages (Jessica isn’t even 30 yet, y’all!) They are hilarious, badass women and they drink rosé out of champagne flutes that say “White Male Tears”. #stayhydrated
I wish them many more seasons of success! I’ve discovered some of my new favorite comedians on 2DQ, like Jo Firestone and Jordan Carlos, and gotten to bask in the glory of some that I’ve long loved, like Gabe Liedman and Jen Kirkman.
SMWG is Phoebe Robinson’s other podcast, which wrapped its first season this summer. The mission statement, I assume, was for Phoebe to host an interview podcast that *gasp* only had non-white-guy guests! Notable guests include Gina Rodriguez (the queen of my heart), Roxane Gay (my fucking idol), Constance Wu, and Ilana Glazer. Each episode runs between 30 & 40 minutes, so it’s a perfect commuter pod. The women are hilarious AF but don’t shy away from getting into deep discussions about race & gender. The last ep of the season featured Mike Birbiglia, amazing human and token white guy! This is a must-binge pod.
I’ve been reading the Savage Love column since, well, since I was way too young to be reading the Savage Love column. It’s printed in a *free* local Boston Arts paper, The Dig, which I always grabbed to read on the T in my younger days when I actually spent time in the city. Dan Savage has been a better resource on sex than my high school sex ed class, my parents, Tumblr, and actual field experience combined. What makes the podcast deeply compelling, aside from his thoughtful advice, are the top-of-show political rants and his amazing guests, many of whom are sex workers or porn performers. Without the Savage Lovecast, I wouldn’t have even known about California’s Prop 60 (vote no, y’all!)
The Lovecast comes in 2 sizes, Micro (with ads) and Magnum (ad-free, with more content). I’ve been slumming it with the Micro, but I may be upgrading because I can’t get enough!
Dear Prudence is a podcast hosted by my most favorite internet person, Mallory Ortberg. Mallory and Nicole Cliffe ran The Toast for several years, and have cemented their places in an esoteric feminist niche that wholly appeals to me. Even though The Toast shuttered in July, it’s worth perusing their archives. Some of the best #content on the internet.
The PrudiePod gives me the weekly dose of Mallory that I’ve so sorely missed. Amazing guest hosts include her mother and sister, as well as the ever-amazing Carvell Wallace. Mallory’s top and bottom-of-the-show rants sustain me.
Follow Mallory on social media @mallelis, and buy her hysterical book Texts from Jane Eyrehere.
The Nerdist podcast is an interview show, hosted by Chris Hardwick (@midnight, The Talking Dead). Apparently he’s been doing it for 6 years! There are literally hundreds of episodes, so I obviously haven’t listened to all of them, but I have (predictably) listened to Jen Kirkman, Emily V. Gordon, and Samantha Bee’s episodes.
I didn’t listen to this podcast at first because, frankly, the whole “Nerdist” culture never appealed to me. I also find it ridiculous that The Walking Dead has a companion show. It’s not a good show. I don’t watch it because I don’t need to watch gratuitous violence, but my husband has seen every episode, and at this point he’s hate-watching. Can’t wait until zombies fade out like vampires did two years ago.
BUT, rant aside, Hardwick is a great interviewer and solid comedian. His most recent special, Funcomfortable, was a joy from start to finish (and you guys know that I don’t even care about white male comics, so that’s high praise). I look forward to many more car-rides with this awesome pod!
The Wilder Podcast is a brand-new podcast hosted by Karsyn Dupree of Wildernessa (formerly Blissbranch). I discovered Karsyn a few years ago via the Instagrams of the Dupree sisters (of Eisley fame). Her personal story (unrelated to all things Eisley) and unconventional life path are so inspiring! I’m really digging the music she and her husband, Collin, have been putting out, so I was excited when she announced that she was doing a podcast! With the exception of Sherri Dupree-Bemis, I hadn’t actually heard of any of her guests, but they’ve been super engaging. They range from health coaches, to motivational speakers, to podcasters and authors. I love tuning in every week to hear badass ladies doin’ for themselves!
Follow Karsyn on social media @wldrnessa & @karsynkdupree.
You Made It Weird is another Nerdist podcast hosted by one of the best guys in the universe, Pete Holmes. Pete, affectionately referred to in my house as Petey, is one of my favorite comedians and all-around thinkers. I genuinely feel that he’s a modern-day philosopher. He is brilliant. We were robbed of his TBS late-night show after only one season, because the world is a dark and unjust cavern of misery.
YMIW is super-duper long, like 2+ hours long, so it’s definitely a plane-ride pod. Amazing guests include Reggie Watts (literally the messiah in my household), Bo Burnham, Aparna Nancherla, and John Mulaney.
To be fair, I haven’t listened to every episode of Gilmore Guys. There are a LOT of them. In fact, they just recorded the very last one, for s7e22 of the show. But Gilmore Girls is my favorite show, so anything devoted to it deserves at least a listen. The premise is that Kevin is a long-time fan and Demi has never seen an episode in his life. They’ve been watching an episode a week for the past 2 years and recording a show devoted to each episode. They’ve had tons of cast members (Liza Weil! Scott Patterson! Sean Gunn!) on the pod, and they’ve gained quite a following. They even guested on an ep of my favorite educational podcast, Stuff Mom Never Told You. I can’t wait to go deep on this podcast on my next flight or long commute!
And of course, I couldn’t NOT mention that Hillary Clinton has a podcast! Okay, it’s not hosted by Hillary (she ain’t got time for that!), but it’s about her and the campaign. I haven’t gotten a chance to listen to every episode, but the Bill Clinton one was marvelous. Bill could narrate the process of making toast and I’d listen. I such a rabid fan of Hillary Clinton, her policies, and her message. Voting for her with FERVOR tomorrow, and I suggest you all do the same. #yourprotestvoteisboring
BONUS CONTENT (Can’t Get Enough)
I Seem Fun: The Diary of Jen Kirkman Podcast is currently semi-weekly! She has graced us with an additional half-hour of #content, called This Week Seemed Fun! It’s all the news stories that matter to Jen, and since I sometimes deeply feel like her millenial avatar, which I’m sure would horrify her, it’s all the news stories that matter to me. She’s been reading political articles at the end of her regular Tuesday show, so this is, to some degree, a continuation of that, except with aliens! Can’t wait for her Netflix special, Just Keep Livin’?, to premiere in early 2017!
So, what are you guys even doing with yourselves if you’re not listening to podcasts? Until next post, have fun!
**all images via the linked websites for each podcast
I almost don’t want to write anything about this incredible book, because how could my words do it justice? Phoebe Robinson’s You Can’t Touch My Hair (And Other Things I Still Have to Explain) is required reading (foreword by Jessica Williams, heyyy). My new life goal is to convince as many white guys as I possibly can to read it. I honestly think that, unless they are some woke-ass dudes that campaign for Hillary and listen to 2 Dope Queens in their spare time, there are lessons in this book that they most definitely need to learn.
You Can’t Touch My Hair, Pheebs’ ode to the experiences of black women, opens the door to what she calls “Black People Secrets” in order to present herself, and all black women, as the multi-faceted people that they truly are when unbound by harmful stereotypes such as the “Angry Black Woman Myth.” The book playfully and humorously exposes the ways in which women of color fight discrimination on multiple fronts. I mean, shoot, she gets attitude about her favorite band being U2, but no one questions my devotion to Kendrick Lamar? Ra ci sm. All joking aside, Phoebe tackles this unsavory topic with such finesse that by the end of the book, you’re cry-laughing and toppling the patriarchy simultaneously.
This book could not have arrived at a more appropriate time. Just a month out from the 2016 Presidential Election, the rhetoric surrounding race, gender, and sexual violence are as nasty and divisive as they have ever been (thanks, Twitter). I have seen Facebook comment sections that literally have comments reading, “UGH there is no such fucking thing as white male privilege.” LI TER AL LY this was a thing I actually read. I have to believe (for my sanity) that these comments are the products of sheer ignorance and not malice. I understand that, to a poorly educated (and by “poorly educated” I don’t necessarily mean not-having-attended-college so shush) white man existing in a situation that doesn’t exude privilege (i.e. financial not-so-good times, temporary layoffs, scratchin’ and survivin’) it can seem like he lacks the mystical pot-o-gold called “white male privilege.” But privilege is not the same as fortune. It is a privilege to drive a car in this country (not a right), but no one hands you a Tesla along with your renewed ID. (Men like cars, right? This is a thing?)
When faced with the realities of the disproportionate incarceration of people of color, the many recent fatal police shootings, and the appalling lack of representation of people (especially women) of color in positions of authority and in the government, the above understanding of privilege becomes even more crucial. If white men (and women, let’s be fair) can use this knowledge critically, they will learn that they have nothing to lose and everything to gain by hearing and valuing the stories of people of color.
This post was supposed to be about Phoebe’s book and not my #feels, but as they say the personal is political. Phoebe (loosely) frames the book’s narrative around hair, and throughout, hair becomes a beautiful metaphor. Hair is other. Hair is unique. Hair is something seemingly universal (almost everybody grows it, right?) that can impede or empower. Hair is heavily racially coded. Maybe if we can understand the implications of that, we can look at the bigger picture and move forward as a nation. Maybe this just reads like a feminist Twitter thread. Who knows?
Anyway, tl;dr, Phoebe’s book is a modern masterpiece and you should purchase it with money and then build an altar around it. Love you, mean it.
—DellaBites
Read an actual review of this book here. Order Pheebs’ book on Amazon here, listen to 2 Dope Queens here, listen to Sooo Many White Guys here, and follow her on all the social media @dopequeenpheebs.
I credit my newfound love of this blog post’s title song to Jay Pharoah, who crushed it pretty hard when I saw him at the Oddball Comedy Fest on September 9! He did a similar bit on the Goddamn Comedy Jam though, so don’t be too jealous of me, guys.
But we’re not here to talk about Justin Bieber! We’re here to talk about Mara Wilson, former child actor and current writer of books!
photo via the ol’ google
Mara Wilson’s Where Am I Now? (tongue-in-cheek title AF) dropped September 13, and I obviously pre-ordered it because A. fangirl, and B. pre-sales go towards first-week sales, which put books on the NYT Bestseller list! There’s an Ilana Glazer blurb on the front of this book, so you know it’s dope.
Wilson chronicles what it’s like to grow up in Hollywood (literally: she grew up in Burbank which is a few miles north of the actual Hollywood, CA), having starred in major productions since the age of 5. She’s a girl whose real name you may never have known; you may have just known her for the past 20 years as “Matilda.”
I first reacquainted myself with Mara several years ago, through Twitter & Tumblr. She’s a really insightful writer, and not afraid to share #realshit, like her OCD (the real kind, not the not-so-charming colloquialism). Existing as a child in the business we call show is no joke, but Mara relates her experiences with humor and sincerity. A particularly moving excerpt is “Writing Robin,” Mara’s touching tribute to Robin Williams.
It’s so refreshing to hear a young woman talk frankly about herself and her sexuality without self-deprecation or embarrassment, especially considering her early entrée into the world of adult content. Where Am I Now? is wonderfully frank—Wilson doesn’t shrink from exposing her dorky-ness; nor does she revel in it. She is able to present show-choir (à la Glee) as painfully silly while still admitting that it was the passion of her young heart. It’s a delicate balance, but Wilson straddles the line beautifully.
Were I to say more, I’d be gushing. Go buy this book. There is nothing sadder to me than the notion that changing career paths makes one a “hasbeen.” This book was written by a writer. Not a former child actor, not someone leaning on former fame.
Where Am I Now? is a triumph.
What books have been giving you all the feels lately?
I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, so one of the biggest challenges to the whole wellness/smoothie life thing I’ve committed to is, how do I get a smoothie and a cup of coffee into me during my 20-minute drive to work? I need the coffee to do the smiling and the talking (very important in the business we call retail), but I need the smoothie and the protein to not starve to death within my first hour of work. I’ve never been a chugger of liquids—my La Croixs always go flat before I finish them, and I’m used to dealing with watery iced coffee and cocktails. I needed a solution—one that didn’t involve me actually waking up earlier, duh.
So, many moons ago, while make the baby steps towards the wellness journey on which I now find myself, I discovered a little website called Nutrition Stripped. The lifestyle site is run out of Nashville by dietician/nutritionist McKel Hill. It’s basically a smoothie-recipe Mecca. As the completist I am, I pre-ordered McKel’s cookbook and everything. It’s been a big hit here at the Fig household.
I’ve made this smoothie, like, a hundred times, with minor variations here and there based on ingredients I have on hand. I’ve been adding spirulina to get those greens! But when you have something every day, you’re bound to get a little restless and want to try new things. Therefore, I give you, The Strawberry Morning Milkshake! It’s just a variation on McKel Hill’s theme, credit where credit is due, but my oh my is it a delight.
Strawberry Morning Milkshake
makes just under 4 cups, serves 2
1 banana, fresh or frozen*
1/2 c. chopped strawberries (about 4 large strawberries), fresh or frozen*
In a high-powered blender, add all ingredients and blend until smooth! Serve immediately, and refrigerate leftovers for up to two days.
If you have a normal blender, like me, add all ingredients except almond milk, and process at a slower speed until smooth. Then add in your almond milk and go to town on that high setting!
I prefer a thinner smoothie, so I add all of the coffee I possibly can to this. But if you want a classic milkshake feel, I’d keep the 1/2 c. cold brew : 1 c. almond milk ratio.
*I recommend frozen fruit for this recipe, both for the temperature of the smoothie, and the milkshake-esque texture.
Optional Add-ins for Optimal Nutrition
1 tsp spirulina*
1 pitted date (for sweetness)
1 c. baby spinach
1 tbsp. flax seeds or flax meal
2 Brazil nuts
*The spirulina will slightly alter the color and taste of the smoothie, so I recommend trying it once without to get a frame of reference.
So, there you have it. A full cup of coffee and enough protein and nutrients to keep you full until your lunch break. No compromises necessary! You’ll be able to finish this on your morning commute in between embarrassing performances of every song from Hamilton. And if you think strawberries and coffee are an odd combination, have faith, don’t forget your vanilla protein powder, and enjoy!
So, I accidentally created the best dinner ever tonight. It started with a mashed potato craving, was facilitated by a bunch of produce I needed to use up, and resulted in heaven.
Sweet Heat Chickpeas
2 small beets, peeled & chopped
1 large zucchini, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
2 c. green cabbage, chopped
2 cans chickpeas, drained & rinsed
1/4 c. pimenta moida*, or red pepper flakes to taste
2 tbsp. avocado oil
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. paprika
salt & ground black pepper to taste
Vegan Mashed
4 russet potatoes, peeled & chopped
1/2 c. unsweetened organic almond milk (make sure it’s not vanilla!)
3 tbsp. Earth Balance
1/2 tsp. ground white pepper
salt & ground black pepper to taste
Preheat your oven to 400. If you have a Convection Roast setting, use it to get that roasty-toasty crunch.
To get the Mashed going, throw your chopped taters in a saucepan, cover them with cold water by about an inch, and bring to a boil. Once boiling, reduce heat and simmer potatoes until fork tender.
For the Chickpeas, add all of the ingredients to a glass baking dish, toss to combine, and stick that mother in the oven. Remove and stir every 5-10 minutes, or as you notice the top of the dish browning. The liquid released from the zucchini will keep everything moist as its cooking, so you don’t really have to worry about anything drying out or burning. The chickpeas are done when the zucchini is soft and the beets are fork-tender (about 20 mins), but you can cook for up to an hour if you prefer more crunch.
While the chickpeas are cooking, drain your potatoes, add in your add-ins, and then mash until smooth. Don’t over-mash or they’ll turn to glue!
so much yum
When the chickpeas are done, give them a good stir, then plate and serve! If you’re like me, you’ll mix the mashed and the chickpeas and veggies into a food mountain on your plate. So delicious!
*A note on pimenta moida: I’ve never actually made this. You can (I assume) buy this at specialty Portuguese grocers. My mother-in-law is from the Azores, and she made an enormous batch of it in the spring and gave some to all the kids. Literally, this is how much pimenta I have:
full size pitcher of cold brew for reference
That thing was FULL just a few months ago. I could drink the stuff.
I hope this recipe helps you all take baby steps towards putting weird shit like beets and cabbage in your dinners! So into cabbage right now!
There are about 940 million listicles, articles, and blog posts about what to register for at Bed Bath & Beyond or Williams-Sonoma before you get married. It also seems like every store (Target! Anthropologie!) offers a registry, making the whole process convoluted and time-consuming. Should I go cute or practical? Is this a wish-list or a needs-list? Do I really need 30 kinds of serveware when I’ve never invited a guest over in my life?
Well, both, both, and probably not.
I’ve seen both ends of the spectrum. Brides that have been training competitively for this event since grade school, and brides that have lived with their significant other for years and have a fully-functioning household. Some brides need to have the perfect modern-chic flatware (in gold!) and some are totally at a loss with a scanner at Macy’s.
I tiptoe the line between both of these “types”, so I thought I’d share my experiences in the world of registries.
have your cake and eat it too
If you’ve read this blog at all, you know I love to cook. It is my passion. I hate that I don’t have more time for it (and a kitchen crew to clean up after me). When I was a little kid, I remember going into home goods stores and dreaming of the day I’d get to pick out my very own plates (I was very into sunny yellow Southwestern-style pottery then; I’ve become a minimalist in my old age). For me, this dream was not associated in any way with a man or a wedding. Having my own supplies meant freedom, adulthood, and self-sufficiency. I assumed that one day I’d be fabulously wealthy, having published a string of acclaimed YA novels, and I could buy my own damn plates.
How does that Alanis song go? Life has a funny, funny way…
I never became an author, and, at 25, am most-certainly-freaking-not fabulously wealthy. I have lived with my fiancé for 3 years, and we have a fully-functioning household and kitchen. So, when I went to register for gifts, my inner child who wanted all the things did battle with my independent feminist adult self who felt all the guilt about asking for a new colander when the Ikea one she had worked perfectly fine.
So, I did the reasonable thing and asked some other recent brides for their perspectives. When in doubt: ask! Talking to my sister-in-law (who got married in 2014) was the biggest help. She’d already been through it; she knew the etiquette.
Ultimately, my registry & bridal shower experiences were really positive, and I learned a lot. None of my guests went broke spoiling me, but each and every one of them made me very happy and showed me immense generosity.
Tips for a Happy Registry
Be yourself, and be reasonable. Register for things you need and you will use. Ignore the lists that come in the bridal books. If you’re a top-notch baker, get you a KitchenAid, girl. If you did a few-year stint at Starbucks in college, register for that fancy espresso machine! You know how to use it! But if the thought of reading through owner’s manuals and attempting to clean a juicer freaks you out, keep it simple. Get some cute curtains for your living room. Let each choice reflect your actual lifestyle, not your aspirational one.
Cover your bases before you dream big. If you really want a designer duvet, but you don’t even have a ladle, let the practical take priority. Thus, have a good selection of super cheap (salt & pepper shakers) and super expensive (a Dyson). This is a plus for you and your guests! Since your registry items will be hand-picked by you, you’ll appreciate them all. One of my favorite gifts was an $8 creamer shaped like a cow—the cutest!
Consider region when registering. I know the internet has all the things and that physical space and distance no longer matter, but I guarantee that you have older family members that aren’t tech savvy. Make sure at least one of your registries is with an easy-to-get-to store. Targets are everywhere. There is a Bed Bath & Beyond in every state. You can do your dream registry, for sure, but be considerate of your guests’ technological abilities.
Keep an eye on your registry online. If you’re anything like me, you woke up the morning after getting engaged and immediately set up a registry. But things change a lot in a year (or 6 months…or 6 weeks!), so you’ve got to keep it updated! Also, some people will look at your registry and buy you the same items from other stores—make sure you remove these items from your registry to avoid duplicates!
Save every. last. receipt. You’re going to return things! You’ll probably even return things that you wanted! I ended up having to return a super-cute margarita set and 2 sets of martini glasses because I had other more pressing household needs (plus, no storage space for all that glassware). Also, save appliance boxes (or at least the barcodes and serial numbers), because you never know when you’ll be eligible for a rebate!
Have fun. It’s supposed to be fun! What’s more fun than presents? However, if the thought of having to inventory your glassware makes you die inside, then screw the registry altogether! Your wedding is about you, your partner, and exactly no one else—tradition be damned!
2 Dope Queens is tied with I Seem Fun for my absolute favorite podcast currently in existence. Hosted by Phoebe Robinson & Jessica Williams (of Daily Show fame), 2 Dope Queens is a stand-up showcase framed by Pheebs and Jessica’s banter. This podcast makes me laugh out loud while I’m alone. I’m sure other drivers on the road think I’m demented. I admire Phoebe & Jessica so much for the amazing successes they’ve had in their careers at such young ages (Jessica isn’t even 30 yet, y’all!) They are hilarious, badass women and they drink rosé out of champagne flutes that say “White Male Tears”. #stayhydrated 
Della Bites 