Get pregnant, they said. It will be magical, they said.
I was lucky enough not to get morning sickness in the first trimester, just fatigue, but last week’s heat wave and humidity had me so sick that I was rueing the day I was born. Things are still touch-and-go, but I’ve started to feel them kick, so that kind of offsets how horribly pregnancy has been treating me recently. I’m officially 21 weeks today, and trying to figure out how I’m supposed to survive the next 15-17 weeks…
I’ve officially picked the babies’ first names, so I may do some sort of “reveal” on here (the closest I got to a “gender reveal” was posting a screenshot of my blood test results on Instagram stories accompanied by a gif of Homer Simpson screaming, so…)
As much as I may have previously been irritated by how myopic pregnant people become, how singularly focused on “the baby,” now that I’ve been there, I can attest that it is real. I think it has to be evolutionary, some sort of biological imperative to keep the fetus healthy by focusing ALL OF YOUR ATTENTION AND MENTAL/PHYSICAL ENERGY ON THE BABY. It’s all I can do to watch TV without also researching baby swing safety ratings. I’ve literally told my therapist that I’m exhausting myself with this, so I certainly don’t blame my friends or family for tuning me out for a while. I’m sure by this time next year, I’ll be begging for Sauvignon Blanc in an IV and a chance to be away from them for 5 minutes. One thing that’s really important to me is to not martyr myself in the process of becoming a mother. I’d like to remain myself, albeit with some small satellites orbiting me.
jean smart is a genius
Ugh, enough about me. It’s been an insane couple of weeks, hasn’t it? Between the Olympics being racist, Britney’s statement on her conservatorship, Bill fucking Cosby going free, and Rand Paul sending out an email with a dog-whistle typo in it, it truly feels like we’re living in the darkest timeline. I’m glad about having a long weekend, but proclaiming “Happy 4th” seems hollow at best, if not entirely tone-deaf. So…just enjoy your long weekend if you’re lucky enough to have one. You deserve to rest.
After much research and no success finding something cheaper that I actually liked, I have purchased the stupidly expensive, aesthetic coffee maker. The other contender was this coffee maker from Drew Barrymore’s line, but the adorable green color was out of stock.
This may be my most “mom” purchase yet. I have to go as hands-free as possible because I’ll have a baby in each arm pretty soon.
Excited to try this cheek and lip tint. I’m almost 30 and still haven’t really figured out how to wear makeup, so this kind of product is the only thing that will get me to wear blush. This one is my current favorite, but I have it in the color “Cherry Cosmos.”
This week on Las Culturistas, Matt and Bowen sang this song, correctly calling it “One of the best songs of all time, one of the most beautiful women of all time, one of the great films.” I can’t even explain how many times I’ve watched this movie.
I’m going to attempt to resist buying these, but these are THE most ’90s sandals ever. Everyone’s mom had sandals just like this. Giving me such Nine West vibes.
Ronan Farrow and Jia Tolentino’s piece on Britney’s conservatorship made me rage-cry. It truly is a nightmare, a form of modern slavery. I hope that how high-profile this case is triggers reform throughout the legal system and proves a huge step forward for the rights of disabled people.
Well, the entire world is on fire, and not for the usual reasons. Things are hideously bleak at present and, apart from sewing some masks and making some donations, there’s literally nothing we can do about it except stay at home and not touch our faces. We’re kind of living in Station Eleven, and yes, that is the justification I will eventually use for performing Shakespearean monologues on Instagram stories.
My family and I are doing really well, and as yet, no one we know has been affected by COVID-19. I’m so fortunate to still be able to work remotely (I love my job and wish I could gush about it but I would like to keep it private so that I can, y’know, keep it). My husband is also able to work from home, which we didn’t initially know would be an option, so we’re really thankful.
I’ve been making an effort to shower and get dressed every day, to preserve a sense of normalcy, even if the shower doesn’t come until 3pm. Everyone keeps posting about snacking all day long, but I’ve actually been having the opposite problem: I keep completely forgetting food exists. We’re not panic-buyers, but our fridge and freezer are STOCKED with healthy stuff (we also have an adequate amount of toilet paper—Trader Joe’s has it!) I’m hoping that my reduced calorie intake counteracts my absolute lack of any physical activity whatsoever. I actually danced last night for over an hour (if you’re a millennial, I highly recommend throwing this song on and going absolutely buckwild). I’m trying to use this time to improve my home (I ROYGBIV’d my bookcase) and myself (I’m crushing DuoLingo French checkpoints like a frat boy crushes p—I’m sorry, this is a family blog). As of yet, I have not done anything fucked up to my hair, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
this pano looks really odd, but there’s a support pillar in front of my bookcase so, oh well.
Before I get into my usual frivolity, I just want to say that, if you’re like me and you’re still earning an income, do whatever you can to support your community. I made a donation to my local food bank, and I’m looking for other ways to lend a hand during this crisis. One positive outcome of this might be the increasing radicalization of society, proof that nothing ethical can exist under capitalism. Comrades Fran & Britney certainly seem to agree! But in the meantime, schedule Zoom happy hours, get into that book you’ve been meaning to read, organize your bathroom cabinets, take your meds, and remember to eat your fruits and veggies. I think we’re going to be in here for a long, long time.
I love and miss you all. If the worst happens, please play this at my funeral, and make sure David Hyde Pierce is on the keys.
La Musique
Gaga’s “Stupid Love” is the best thing she’s put out since “Applause,” don’t @ me.
Can’t wait to go absolutely HYPEBEAST for Self Made, starring ACADEMY AWARD WINNER OCTAVIA SPENCER.
I read the book years ago, but I finally watched Room and oh my GOD. Brie Larson WERKED for that Oscar, honey. Also, Jacob Tremblay is a star the likes of which this world rarely sees and I simply have to stan.
My queen and idol, Julie Klausner, put out a new How Was Your Week? AND announced a new podcast with Tom Scharpling, Double Threat. A mitzvah in these dark times!
Should I just cave and become a Punch Up the Jam patron? I’ve easily listened to over 50 episodes at this point. My husband and I both lost it for several minutes yesterday during the bridge of the “Freak on a Leash” episode.
Les Romans
I bought the audiobook of Cameron Esposito’s Save Yourself. Cameron is one of my favorite comedians and I daily mourn the loss of Put Your Hands Together.
I’m trying to read Silas Marner along with my tutoring student and wow, only 18 months out from earning a literal Master’s degree in Literature and my brain has atrophied to Jello. I’m going to try to make a concerted effort to get through some classics in quarantine. I’m thinking Jane Eyre, Anna Karenina, and Brideshead Revisited, since I already own them.
La Mode
So, Everlane is canceled. They vindictively laid off their newly-formed union of remote workers and uh, wow, fuck you, guys.
If I find out this company SUCKS too, I’ll return them, but I am trying out these pants because it appears that no company (including Everlane) makes dress-pants for what I’m generously calling my hourglass shape. Also, of course they went on sale after I bought them. Will report back on fit for my thicc chicks ❤
Also, I have bought myself another handbag, and I need to stop, but just so you know, I keep them forever and display them when not in use because they are my precious babies. Also, handbags have way better resale value than most stuff online, just sayin’. Here’s another recent purchase that’s a particular fave, and the best computer bag ever.
I found an Etsy shop I love! I got these belly rings (1, 2) and these conch studs (1, 2). Unfortunately, I’m an idiot and forgot that my belly piercing is 14g, so I might try to exchange but these things are seriously gorgeous.
Chez Moi
I’m reorganizing my house, call it early Spring Cleaning, and this shelf is going above my kitchen counter. It’s so cute and perfect for me that I can’t believe I didn’t personally design it.
I’m a huge, huge fan of Method‘s cleaning products, but their Heavy Duty Degreaser is an absolute lifesaver. I am not about to use conventional cleaning chemicals on my stovetop, a surface that a. is exposed to fire and b. is where I prepare our food, so finding this more natural alternative that really works was a gamechanger. I buy mine at Target or Grove.
Chelseas can have a little home improvement, as a treat. Since Governor Baker basically shut down Massachusetts (I’m not complaining!) I have purchased this chair and this rug. Soon my entire house will be monochrome pink and I’m not mad about it.
Le Mélange
If you’re not following nostro re, persona di colore dell’esperienza italiana, Giabuchi, you are not truly living in these times. Considering what’s going on with coronavirus worldwide, especially in Italy right now, Jaboukie’s mild Italian shitposting is tremendously healing. Catch him before he gets suspended again for heroism.
I loved this post about creating a reusable on-the-go car kit. When we’re finally out of quarantine, I really want to make a more concerted effort to be no-waste. Not being able to use reusable bags at the grocery store right now is killing me. P.S. The cutlery set Laura mentions? It comes in pink.
Discovered this shop last night and I’m intrigued to say the least.
Greetings, people of earth! In personal news, I’m still adjusting to having a real job. It’s weird…people with “real jobs” work soooo much lesssss than people with service industry jobs. I actually feel guilty! Well, I’d feel guilty if I were making more money. I’m making starter wages for a 21-year-old, hardly (read: not) enough to be financially solvent.
I actually started this post two whole weeks ago, but somehow, time got away from me. I’ve just been working, cooking, spending as much time with my husband as possible, and getting ready for my week-long trip to Florida! We’re doing an overnight in St. Pete and seeing Neko Case in concert! Oh, and the night before I leave, I’m seeing Dawes at the Wang Center! Feeling very blessed these days.
Alright, without further ado, I present my favorites from the past couple of weeks).
I started using DuoLingo and I can’t stop! I’m brushing up on my French, primarily, but I also started courses in Spanish, Italian, German, Swedish, Welsh, Portuguese, and Russian. I tested into a decent level of Spanish, which is surprising since I’ve never taken a class in it. I can’t believe how much Italian I’ve forgotten—I studied it for over a year in high school. Swedish, however, is by far my favorite. It’s such a cool and logical language. I highly recommend this service to anyone who has an interest in flexing their foreign language skills.
Kevin T. Porter comin’ thru with the updated Marvelous Mrs. Maiselsoundtrack playlist!
I know I was sleeping on this, but Lizzo’s new single “Juice” is everything. Also, check out “Scuse Me” which is just a perfect song.
I started meal prepping for the week and it’s honestly changed my life. My digestion has been better, and I have wholesome, healthy breakfasts and lunches prepared every day for work. I was really inspired by McKel at Nutrition Stripped. She recently launched a free e-course on meal planning and it was such a great jumping off point. Gimme all the jar salads and nourish bowls! I have to tell you, jar salads have been a game-changer for office lunch! It’s so much easier to say no to take out when you have a big serving of all your favorite legumes, grains, and veggies waiting for you in the office fridge.
I just found out about Unroll.me and I am obsessed! Subscription e-mails are the bane of my existence and this service is my new favorite thing on earth.
Madewell sale is 40% off right now. I got glitter statement earrings because of course I did.
I just bought a tiny humidifier for my cubicle because I am 100 years old.
I really want to try Purple Carrot but it’s not really in my budget at the moment. I think it would be such a help in getting us to eat exclusively vegan meals.
I’ve been eating almost exclusively plant-based lately and I’m loving it! I still have the occasional egg and some of my meals include a little bit of cheese, but that’s been it. It’s made my cooking so much more creative. I think I’m going to start posting recipes again, since that was the whole point of this blog in the first place.
Jaboukie Young-White is guesting on Pete Holmes’s Crashingand he’s amazing. I’ve been following him on Twitter forever!
Michelle Obama’s book, Becoming, which I’m listening to on audiobook, is so deeply moving that I cry almost every time I listen. It’s somehow even better than I thought it would be. 10/10 recommend.
The Shutdown is (temporarily) over! My heart goes out to the government workers who have been furloughed (without pay) or forced to work without pay. This shutdown was about 15 days longer than any other in history, and the administration should be ashamed of themselves for exploiting workers and neglecting basic services and essential government functions, but they won’t be because they are all chaotic evil. Each and every one of the 800,000 people immediately affected are such heroes.
Yeah, that’s right. Céline Dion is not the only thing I cherish about the nineties. But if I’m being 100% honest, most of what happened in the decade of my birth was trash. Kurt Cobain died. The OJ thing. The band Nickelback formed and rose to prominence. Hillary Clinton became such a household name that a bunch of millennial fuckboys decided to vote for Jill Stein in 2016. Et cetera.
For a lot of people around my age, it feels like the ’90s/early ’00s never ended. I mean, I watched the Spice Girls movie by choice in 2009. We’re still appropriating the fashion trends (even fucking scrunchies are back, I’m wearing one right now) and we still lose our goddamn minds every time we hear “…Baby One More Time”. I mean, Urban Outfitters has just been selling the outfits from the movie Clueless for the past ten years. People of every generation get stuck in their respective youths—play “Jessie’s Girl” in a room full of 50-year-old women and you’ll see what I mean—but it feels like this particular nostalgia has real lasting power. It might have something to do with the fact that this was the very last pre-Internet era. The Internet existed, sure, but not in our hands 24/7. We kept maps in the car. I remember when iPods were released and I needed to call a Voodoo priestess to revive me after I died of shock and amazement. I would never argue that this time in history was better (it wasn’t), but I will say that I had a much better attention span and had yet to be insulted by an anonymous Twitter egg, so, simpler times.
I digress. Now, when I say ’90s baby, I don’t necessarily mean that you were born in the ’90s. This playlist is geared towards those old enough to have vivid memories of Y2K and 9/11. ’85-’92 or thereabouts. My compatriots in culture. Growing up in this era afforded a very specific and pop cultural experience, one that, as much as we may have loved it, was pretty much trash. This is no “best of” list. But this is the shit that we can’t erase from our psyches, no matter how hard we try. Or at least, this is the shit that I can’t erase from my mind, and in the words of millennial superhero, Lana Del Rey, “God knows I tried.”
You thought it was going to be “Bye Bye Bye“, didn’t you? HA. “Bye Bye Bye” is a solid, beloved track, but which song is still a meme almost 20 years later? “It’s Gonna Be Me” motherfuckers! This song is so tight! I’ve listened to it twice today, in prep for this post, and let me tell you, ’90s pop songwriters did not eff around with song formulas. Bridges for days!
I have vivid memories of procuring the “No Strings Attached” album. I was in third grade at the time. It’s possible that we bought it at Bradlee’s. By the way, if you’re ever unsure of a person’s age, just bring up Bradlee’s. It’ll seal the deal.
It still bums be out the JC Chasez was supposed to be a frontman. Timberlake just dominated, and he has spent the last several years earning his fame. The 20/20 Experience took us all to church, and solidified JT’s position as a pop icon. “Cry Me A River” could have stood alone as an anthem, but I appreciate JT’s growth as an artist.
I will say that “This I Promise You” was written by Richard Marx. Unrelated to this post, but an absolutely invaluable piece of trivia. Ya welcome.
I DON’T THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. No grade-schooler was ready for the line, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly”. Is “Bootylicious” the feminist response to “I Like Big Butts”? I don’t know! I do know that the guitar is sampled from “Edge of Seventeen” and that Stevie Nicks herself is in this video. Also, Michelle actually gets to sing in this one, and Kelly actually takes the lead! Also, the costumes, which I can only hope were designed by Ms. Tina, are sublime. They are transcendent. Fringe…bikinis?
The term “bootylicious” was conferred upon us by the illustrious Snoop Dogg ten years prior to the release of this DC track, but Beyoncé & co. are certainly responsible for popularizing the term.
To be fair, she cried for help. Folks my age remember the 2007 Britney meltdown, and the subsequent YouTube video. Britney’s trials and tribulations are even a running gag on the show Girlboss in the Year of our Lord 2017. Looking back, this song is so depressing! It’s basically Brit looking at her own life and being like, “Help! I’m so depressed! Success is not fulfilling!” But we didn’t even bat an eye at the “Everytime” video, and she legit kills herself in that one.
On a happier note, Britney looks stunning in this video, styled as an Old Hollywood starlet. Even the chord progression of the song is a clear homage to doo-wop, which is a cute and thoughtful detail. Let she who did not want to sit on a sparkly star and throw glitter cast the first stone.
“U Remind Me” almost took top billing here, but “U Got It Bad” has a permanent spot in my heart and mind. This is one sultry-ass ballad. When I think about the (Boston) radio station, JAMN 94.5, this immediately comes to mind. Usher has the smoothest voice in the game—I’d listen to him sing the phone book.
Also, if you can actually believe this shit, this song was dethroned as #1 on the Hot 100 by that Nickelback song. You know the one.
P.S. Chili from TLC is in the music video, so this probably belongs in the Smithsonian as an example of peak human achievement.
Yaaasss, bitches, the fake Russian lesbian song! For many of us, this music video may have acted as a sexual awakening of sorts. The controversy surrounding it was so beyond trife. I can’t even imagine such nonsense happening today, but again, this is before we even had marriage equality in Massachusetts. Any queer content was a big deal back then—remember Ellen & Anne Heche?!
raise your hand if this was the first girl-on-girl kiss you ever saw *raises hand* (image source)
Moral of the story: they weren’t lesbians, they’ve since dismissed the whole thing as “silly” (ugh, very progressive, guys), and they’re probably to blame for the Madonna/XTina/Britney MTV awards fiasco and the song “I Kissed A Girl”. “All The Things She Said”, however, though repetitive, is actually pretty friggin’ catchy.
P.S. Now I think that, somewhere in here, there’s a TrumpRussia/pee tape joke to be made but I’m not quite there yet. I’ll report back.
Continuing right along with our theme of LGBT-tinged pop singles, y’all know what’s next! “Beautiful”, baby! She won a goddamn GLAAD media award for the video! Linda Perry, of 4 Non Blondes fame, wrote this gem, whose vid was more inclusive 15 years ago than certain Disney movies that are trying to be on trend in twenty-seventeen.
this vid featured a lot of people getting introspective into mirrors.
This video features a kiss between two men, a girl suffering from anorexia, and a closeted trans* woman, among others. It’s still mostly white people (2002, smh), but when this aired, it was radical. It affected me personally—I was pretty young, so I was seeing some of those people for the first time. This video probably opened those narratives and told those stories for the first time to a lot of folks. I’ve long felt that XTina doesn’t get the credit she deserves for taking this risk with her image. For a while, this was the wokest thing we had, for better of for worse.
Like I said, growing up in the late nineties/ early ’00s was a very specific and bizarre time. So, we grew up with a country band performing our “Landslide”, as opposed to the O.G. or Billy Corgan versions. I am a Fleetwood Mac devotee, but I’m also 25 years old, so I learned these lyrics from Natalie Maines, not Stevie Nicks. This song also dropped at the height of my TRL-watching, so I have seen this video, which features a heavily pregnant Emily Robison playing lap steel (?!), about 150,000 times.
Is it just me, or does this song actively suck? I remember loving it at the time, but now I hear it and I’m borderline horrified that this is all it took to top the charts in the year 2000. I mean, Tom DeLonge’s voice alone could serve as a suicide note. There’s not enough nostalgia in the world to justify this (and blink’s entire catalog) as good music.
Okay, so, back story: this was hugely popular when I was in the sixth grade, and as a little prude warrior, I took great offense to the line, “I’m into having sex / I ain’t into making love” as I felt it was disrespectful to women. Rap music doesn’t have the best reputation re: misogyny, but if I could go back in time and shut myself up, I would. Hearing this song floods me with happiness. It’s so dramatic. The video is like some CIA action-movie homage. Also, Eminem discovered 50 Cent? What?
In a lot of ways, this track feels like an 80s rap set to truly stellar (eye-rolls for days @ the orchestra hits) early-00s production. The lyrics are deliciously cheesy. This song was #1 on the charts for nine weeks and its most memorable line is, “Yo, shawty, it’s your birthday.” And,I reiterate, the orchestra hits are just…sublime. Anthemic.
This song is a trash anthem and I love it! I was NINE when this song was popular. NINE. It is 50 Shades of Cray that any of us were allowed to listen to this. Shout-out to radio-edited lyrics that mystified the line “bangin’ on the bathroom floor” for years!
I just wanted to include this. I mention it above, but it bears repeating. No jokes, no commentary—this song holds up, is the best, and you wish you could drop a song this fire. #byebyebye
Well, when I think of my childhood, this is what I think of, for better or for worse. Now, next time you hear that “’90s baby/’80s Mercedes” song, you can be like, nah, girl. Don’t get it twisted.
Della Bites 