Shout Out Sunday 11.17.19

**This is last week’s post that I managed to never publish. Travel back in time to November 10th as you read this.**

Hello, hello (hola!) I’m pretty sure I just outed myself as extremely old by making a 15-year-old U2 reference, but there’s no shame in my Dad-joke game. We’ll get right to it this week, then!

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  1. I recently started a tutoring job at a local community college and I just have to say how inspired and hopeful it makes me about the future. I went to a predominantly white university in suburban Massachusetts, so my college experience was wildly different than the population I’m working with. The students who come to the tutoring center are so kind and motivated to succeed—getting to know them and be a tiny part of their stories makes me better and is the highlight of my week.
  2. This is old news at this point, but Jeannie Gaffigan was on WTF with Marc Maron and her interview was fascinating. I can’t wait to check out her book!
  3. Elizabeth Warren released a Medicare for All plan and we simply must stan. Without getting too personal, I recently had a huge bomb dropped on me re: my employer-provided health insurance, so this issue both ideologically and personally affects me. The healthcare system in this country is so broken (my therapist certainly agrees!), so two of the Democratic frontrunners running on unequivocal M4A platforms is hugely important.
  4. On that note, I can’t stop laughing at this tweet.
  5. Speaking of Twitter, Hunter Harris is the best person on there.
  6. Sunnyside on NBC is such an amazing show, but of course, as is typical of smart comedies, didn’t get its due. Networks taking away all my favorite shows—that’s Cancel Culture.
  7. Winter has officially come to Boston (the forecast says snow on Tuesday), so it’s time to revisit my favorite coats: the Everlane ReNew Long Puffer and the ReNew Lightweight Puffer. And, I have to admit, I bought a peacoat at Target and I’ve been wearing it every day.
  8. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I’ve been revisiting a ton of ’90s alternative rock, and I will absolutely give myself vocal nodes singing along to Celebrity Skin. Truly one of the best and most iconic albums of all time. I stan the legend Courtney Love!
  9. I got the new iPhone in the mint-green color and honestly, it’s ruining my life. I was so suspicious of FaceID but I have to admit…it’s really convenient?? Also, the screen is bigger than on my last phone, so it makes doing the NYTimes Crossword easier and that is truly my only priority in life.
  10. I’m going to New Orleans next month! I’ve been once, in 2016 right after my wedding, but this time I want to do it right! What should I do while I’m there?
  11. *very local reference* The Red Lentil in Watertown is incredible. Bostonians, flock!
  12. And most importantly, tomorrow is Veteran’s Day, and while I am personally vehemently anti-war and military spending, one thing we absolutely should and must spend government money on is taking care of veterans and their families. And, tbh, all vulnerable populations. Not doing so is, frankly, un-American!

Au revoir, mes enfants!

Dressin’

Is there an AA, but for online shopping? Sign me up. I have decided to do a no-spend month in January, but perhaps declaring that has been a bit too stressful, since I’m going completely ham on December purchases. It doesn’t help that I’m starting a new job where I can actually dress nicely every day.

A huge part of my self-care routine has to do with clothing and accessories. For the past 11-and-a-half years, I have worked in the service industry (with the exception of a few months during my grad school internship). Service industry means dress codes, some of which have been more permissive than others. Even when I was a store manager, the one who set the dress code (or, y’know, abolished it entirely), it was a coffee shop, which meant coffee spills, smells, sweat, and mop water. You’d be out of your mind to wear anything nice.

On the rare occasions I’ve gone into my various workplaces on days off, people usually ask, “Where are you going today?” because I’m (apparently) all dressed up. I get it—these people are used to seeing me in t-shirts and leggings, with little to no makeup on. But, in the immortal words of Steve Harvey, “They call me ranch, ’cause I be dressin’.” Clothing, at least in my adult years, has always been the way I express myself. I have to admit, my outfits can be a little eccentric (last night, for instance, I strolled into a family dinner wearing big hoop earrings, a pink utility jumpsuit from Madewell, a faux fur leopard coat, and leopard-print flats). PSA—the $16 ballet flats from Target are the most comfortable flats I’ve ever worn, and the cheapest. 

I know the stupid aphorism—don’t judge a book by its cover. But in my actual life, I found this to not be true at all. The way a person presents themselves says quite a lot about who they are! Just not in the way you might think. For instance, I step out into the world in lipstick (which I’ve worn every day for 12 years), a cool outfit, and styled hair because I want to project confidence, which internally, I struggle with. My house is very clean and organized because my mind isn’t. I work hard to be my aspirational self. Sometimes it fails (my professors, in particular, have seen right through the veneer) and sometimes it succeeds (my friends are often shocked when I open up about my mental health struggles). A variation of the outside-in philosophy, which was played on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt for a laugh, has worked for me. Organizing my home has helped me stay on top of more quotidian tasks (like, paying my car insurance and stuff). Getting validation and support from my friends has helped me seek it within (and get into therapy!)

Okay, this is getting a bit dark and long-winded, but what I’m trying to say is that fashion is important to me. I love to buy things, wear them, donate them, and give them as gifts to friends. This holiday season has taught me how much I love giving—curating special and useful gifts for the people in my life that I love.

No-spend January is going to be tough for me. But hey, I’m up for a challenge. I’m trying to view it as an opportunity to get really creative with things I already own. So instead of my usual Sunday Kind of Love post, where I chronicle all of the things I’m lusting after on the internet, I’m turning inward. Thanks for reading!

*

Okay, okay, okay. I will post one recommendation. The Schitt’s Creek Christmas Special, y’all. That show is the best thing I discovered in 2018.

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Oh, okay, one more. The Weezer sketch from last week’s SNL. I died.

New Year’s Revolutions

My husband is a music teacher, and he recently asked one of his favorite students to write down a list of “New Year’s Music Resolutions.” When she came back, she presented him with her “New Year’s Revolutions,” which he corrected, but found oddly moving. When he told me about this, I was moved too—the idea of a ten-year-old girl starting a revolution felt extremely timely and appropriate. So this year, in addition to my resolutions (no drinking, more sleep, better study habits, etc), I’m making a list of revolutions.

  1. Attend a goddamn protest. My excuse last year was that I worked weekends, so I didn’t have the free time to go show my support for the Women’s March, Science March, etc. I was in California at the time of the badass August protest in Boston, so I was extra unavailable. But now? I have weekends off. There was no defensible reason that I wasn’t at the anniversary of the Women’s March over last weekend. The actual reason? I didn’t even know it was happening until I saw people’s IG posts. I know I’m in a grad school bubble, but I passionately care about these issues, and need to hit the streets to show my support. Throwing occasional money at causes isn’t the same as showing up and fighting. No more slacktivism in 2018.
  2. Buy all organic. Time to put my money where my mouth is. The only way to increase demand for natural, local, and organic foods is to literally increase demand for them. Even though, to quote my ex-boyfriend’s tweet, there’s “no ethical consumption under capitalism,” we can at least fucking try. It’s great that a carton of eggs is 89 cents, but it won’t kill me to buy the cage-free. And it’s not more expensive to buy organic! I mean, per unit, maybe, but you’d be amazed at how much you save when you stop buying processed foods and start buying whole.
  3. Believe in myself. I know this sounds wicked stupid, but for me, a depressive, possible-ADHD-sufferer and probable codependent, believing in myself is a radical, political act. The idea that I deserve a happiness and a good life is an entirely foreign concept to me. When you’re 26 and in grad school, you get asked what you’re going to do with your life constantly, and my answer thus far has been a giant question mark. Not because I don’t want a bright future, but because I’ve never had hopes, dreams, or goals. I didn’t believe that I could. This year, I’m going to write a script, look for internships, keep this blog going, and work on myself in therapy. Being a mess is not “cute” or “creative.” It’s weak.
  4. Curb my spending and shop local. Refer back to the “no ethical consumption under capitalism” notion. In my heart of hearts, I am a lil’ socialist, but in my habits I am basically a corporate monster. I believe in universal basic income, health care, and education, but do literally nothing to work towards those outcomes. “Shopping local” isn’t exactly socialist, but when my money supports local businesses in my community, or women-owned businesses, I feel less shame about parting with it. Why do I have a Starbucks gold card when my local coffee shop has way better coffee (and a way better points system)? Now, to kick the Amazon habit…
  5. Go minimal. This goes along with #4—I DO NOT NEED SO MUCH STUFF. I know I’m in the “accumulation” phase of life—newly married, young, building my identity, yadda yadda yadda—but who ever said that being an adult meant being inundated with THINGS? I’ve been donating and consigning clothes with thredUP, selling my old textbooks on Amazon, and bringing my housewares and miscellaneous items to charity shops. My aspirational self is one that has a capsule wardrobe and lives a Marie Kondo/Swedish Death Cleaning-approved life, but one step at a time.
  6. Speak up. In the current political climate, I’m afraid to use my voice. Not here, or screaming into the Twitter void, but in person. I hate bringing up the subject of politics in conversation, unless I know the affiliation of the persons present. I hate conflict, and it seems that people on the, well, wrong side of history, have very loud, aggressive voices. Since they support him, and the general shadiness of the current incarnation of the GOP, they aren’t amenable to reason. I can’t argue, because they’ve abandoned all logic. My goal for 2018 is to be an ally, and speak up when I hear ignorant people use racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic (Jesus Christ this list is long) language and not back down in the face of dissent. POC, LGBTQ folx, and every other person who is marginalized by the current system deserve better than my meek support and retweets.

Fight the power!

xoxo,

c

Aging Out

Well, it had to happen eventually. Me turning 26 next month, I mean. Twenty-six. Finally, I’ve crossed to the other side of what my imagination was capable of imagining. As a kid or a teen, 25 seemed so adult. That was the age I’d always planned to get married (I did) and start thinking about having kids (I haven’t). But that was it. Everything after 25 was blank and dark. I didn’t, don’t, have a plan.

President Obama was elected President during my senior year of high school, which means the ACA-related mandate that kids can stay on their parents’ health insurance until age 26 was just a fact of my teens and twenties. I got to make my way through college without worrying about healthcare. Sure, I haven’t had dental for a while, but I take excellent care of my teeth and hope to go for a cleaning/checkup soon. I got to experience inexpensive preventative and emergency care, thanks to a decision that allowed me to benefit from the health insurance my father’s company provides us. I have gotten antibiotics to stave off sinus infections and UTIs. I’ve gotten my regular paps. I’ve even been tested for STIs/HIV—something monogamous people rarely feel they need to do. I have a wrist and back brace for when hard work turns into aches and pains.

I rarely visit doctors, because I’m rarely sick. The above list is a compilation of nearly a decade of experiences. I’m the queen of holistic remedies. It’s not unheard of for me to drink raw apple cider, or eat a whole garlic clove. I diffuse essential oils and apply them topically. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that local honey can help with seasonal allergies. I have been very lucky in my life. Not everyone I know has been so lucky.

Several people in my life whom I love dearly have suffered from seizures, Type I diabetes, cancer—things that herbal tea and meditation won’t cure. So, as I’m panicking, approaching my 26th birthday worried about my own access to care, I can’t stop thinking about them. That list of pre-existing conditions? I have exactly one: history of depression. Pretty much every person I know has more—just one of my family members has four on this partial list alone. This list is ableist, transphobic, misogynist, and cruel.

So, I’m turning 26. I finally have to cut the last remaining cord to my parents and get my own insurance. As stressful as it all is, I know, again, that I’m lucky. I’m a privileged, married, white woman, a born citizen of the U.S. I’m employed and educated, living in a blue state where care options are plentiful. I won’t be bankrupted trying to care for myself. But I am such a minuscule sliver of the population. The health insurance I pay for, I’ll rarely need or use.

Speaker Ryan said something, when talking a few months ago about the AHCA: “Why should healthy people pay for sick people to have healthcare?”

I paraphrase, but that sentence is the distillation of the expressed sentiments.

I don’t know, Speaker Ryan. Why should safe drivers pay for reckless ones? Why should financially responsible people pay for over-spenders’ overdraft fees?

We are one people. Every citizen, born, naturalized, and aspiring, is valuable. Their lives are valuable.

The same hypocrites who are pro-life and #AllLivesMatter are plotting to take healthcare away from millions of Americans, which will kill thousands. This is murder—it is a premeditated assault on the poor and disadvantaged, the disabled, the sick.

I am so lucky. I will probably escape from this nightmare unscathed. But because I’m unaffected, at least for now, I’m strong and healthy enough to fight for those that can’t fight for themselves. #Slacktivism is easy—real activism is really hard. I’m not even there yet. I just contacted my rep for the first time on July 4th. I’m a monthly donor to the ACLU and Planned Parenthood, but I can’t afford to send them as much as I’d like.

Luckily, my best friend is a woke bae who has marched and prioritized civic engagement like a boss. She has alerted me to a few dope resources that are the perfect intro to doing your part.

***

WTF Just Happened Today – This is a daily briefing on what the government is up to. If North Korea is testing missiles, you can read about it here. If the GOP is still whining about Hillary’s e-mails, it’ll be on here. It’s so hard to keep every crazy thing that’s happened straight!

5calls – 5calls is a site that provides call scripts and contact information for State Reps, Senators, AGs, etc. Reps work for us—make sure they’re legislating your values by calling them.

Countable – Countable provides summaries of past and present bills, plus the information on how your reps have voted. It helps you make those calls armed with the facts. For instance, my rep, whom I voted for and who I feel represents most of my values, recently voted for an extremely shitty, xenophobic bill. Hell no.

Democratic Socialists of America – I still haven’t taken the plunge and joined the DSA, but it’s only a matter of time. Yes, we need to buck the 2-party system (France and Britain’s recent elections are compelling evidence as to why), but I’m hoping my beloved Dems can get it together and swerve left. The DSA is doing super important work at the local level though, so check them out. Just don’t put a rose emoji in your Twitter display name, or I’ll disown you.

***

Well, that post took an unexpected turn. What started as a personal reflection about getting older somehow turned into a call for political action. Lately, it’s been hard not to think in the plural. As the rights of other Americans are stripped away, WE supersedes ME. Grammatically-questionable platitude aside, we’ve got to get to work. 2018 is coming up fast. I’ll be 27 by the midterms—maybe I’ll have some of this figured out by then.

Dreams

My lifelong dream has been to work from home. As a child, that meant becoming an author. I loved to write and was praised often for my ability. But things change and interests fade; as I got older (and social media blew up), I began to prefer the straightforwardness of the “blog” style, which also allows for a wide breadth of topics to be discussed in a single medium. Also, there’s an instant gratification to social media that is absent from traditional publishing. Beyond this, I truly don’t know if I have an original work of fiction in me! I read a lot, and the amount of detail in most of the fiction I read must require exhaustive research! When it comes to research, I prefer hands-on experience (such as trying and failing at replicating recipes or making pieces of art), to the academic type of research which requires databases and journal articles.

Basically, blogging is my dream job. There are just a few problems with turning an obscure hobby into a real job.

  1. Successful blogs marry stunning visuals with substantive content. Well-designed websites are my kryptonite. As a millennial, I evaluate a company or individual’s worth by its visual presentation. When a company takes time to hire out artists and graphic designers, or a savvy blogger learns Photoshop and InDesign herself, it is an indication that her product or persona is important to her and worth the extra investment of time or money. Good web design makes the content of the blog or website more accessible (and therefore more useful) to the reader, contributing to the success of the site.
  2. It takes time, money, or both to create a site worthy of traffic. Confession: I don’t even own a camera. I desperately want one, as photography is a huge interest of mine, but committing to a purchase of upwards of $500 is terrifying to a student. I would spend $500 on new tires for my car because that contributes to my overall safety and well-being. But to spend big money on something I want rather than need is daunting. The cost of maintaining a website is reasonable (I’m already doing that), but the investment of time comes at a price. Not only does one have to learn (or hire out) great web design and provide engaging visuals, but one has to have the time to create the sites content. DIYs take time. Writing essays takes time. Researching topics of interest in order to successfully do those things takes time. Hell, even outfit photos take time! There’s the photography, photo editing, image uploading, posting of affiliate links, etc. It takes a full-time job to afford to create content, but it takes a whole lot of free time to actually create it.
  3. Sometimes you have to fail a few times in order to succeed. Nobody is perfect; even though the lives of bloggers may seem perfect, they are real people with real flaws. That food blogger might have ruined 3 casseroles before she found the perfect bake time and temperature. For the layperson who dreams of entry into the blogosphere, the idea of failing, and potentially wasting time and money as discussed above, is scary! Most of us don’t have the resources to accept failure. It takes a very determined person to persevere through that, and not all of us are programmed with such self-confidence.
  4. Committing to a life off the beaten path requires an enormous leap of faith. If you, like me, have a family that would never understand why you quit your job to run a blog full-time, then you understand the stranglehold that traditional values have upon most of us. I can only speak as an American (specifically a New Englander), but you’re supposed to perform well in high school, go on to a competitive college, make Dean’s List, graduate with mountains of debt, somehow immediately proceed into a lucrative career, get married, buy a house, and procreate. Almost no one actually does this, yet your individual failure to do so is met with disapproval at every turn. Personal example: I was encouraged to go into nursing when I was in high school. I hate being around sickness, I’m disgusted by blood, and I excelled in humanities rather than the sciences. I would be the world’s worst nurse. I would be absolutely miserable every day of my life. But nursing is practical, noble, reliable work, so despite the fact that I would basically want to kill myself every day, my family did their best to encourage this path. I was raised with the understanding that work is an unpleasant means to an end. You need to earn enough money to lead a normative life that wouldn’t be judged by other successful people. That…sucks. Faced with such opposition, you have to believe in yourself or your product to your core in order to shirk tradition and make your own rules.

It’s not all terrifying, though. The freedom to wear whatever I want every day is almost enough motivation for me to make the jump! Working from home, blogging, or other non-traditional jobs aren’t for the lazy: you have to hustle and work your ass off to make a living, but in truth, there’s no one I’d work harder for than myself and the little family I’m making.

So, how do I do it? I’ve scoured the internet for advice that all seems impossible and daunting. I’m barely managing a job, school, and a home as it is. But that desperate hope to make my dreams come true never leaves the back of my mind. When people ask me what I want to do with my life, I either lie or say nothing. How do you put into a simple sentence everything that I’ve said here? I guess the only way to put it is: “I want to work for myself.” I want to create my own future and establish my own standards. I want to succeed on my own terms. I have no desire to be rich. I’ve honestly even given up on dreams of world travel. I just want to go to bed every night knowing that I followed my heart.

I think that’s the new American dream.

Happy New Year

I know what you’re thinking: “Wasn’t New Year’s like, 2 months ago?”

Yes, it was. But not for me. I’m a lifelong sufferer of major depression, and the winter is the hardest season for me to get through with my head up. But, here in New England, it seems the sun has finally returned to us, and even though it’s still cold enough to snow, the vibrant energy of springtime is looming.

Earlier in the month, however, I suffered an extreme depressive episode. I’m medicated, so it was fewer crying jags and more general numbness. I couldn’t care about anything. I let my schoolwork, my job, and my relationships suffer. Wedding planning halted. I was in a really terrible place. After about 2 weeks of basically being housebound except for shifts at work, I decided that I needed to do whatever possible to pull myself out of my depression (hopefully, once and for all).

So, I made some changes. The first thing I did was give up alcohol. Cold turkey. I’ve blogged a little bit about drinking in the past. I’m far from a heavy drinker, but as alcohol is a depressant, it seemed counterintuitive to add depressants to depression.

I also started aromatherapy using Monq diffusers. I touched upon them in a recent post. They’re amazingly relaxing, and I highly recommend them!

I started going to bed really early (and trying my damndest to get up early). Going to bed earlier is easy—it’s the getting out of bed that I’ve always struggled with. I didn’t have much success with this until this morning. I’m hoping it continues!

I gave up caffeine after 3 p.m. This was a fairly arbitrary time choice, but it has worked wonders. I had no idea how much my caffeine consumption was affecting my sleep. Coffee doesn’t make me jittery or energetic, so I foolishly thought that I was immune to its effects. Wrong! My mind was jittery and energetic—shutting it off was impossible! No wonder I was having frequent nightmares! I switched to herbal tea—ginger with honey & lemon to be exact, and it has had a marvelous calming effect. It’s also great for digestion!

Upon the advice of a coworker, I started saying “thank you” more, and smiling when I did it. Just because I don’t personally need the validation of being thanked doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel good to validate and appreciate others. This alone has really brightened up my moods!

And finally (and most importantly), I KonMari’d. What the hell is KonMari, you ask?

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KonMari is the nickname of Japanese organizational guru, Marie KKondo. She is a genius. I started reading her book, The life-changing magic of tidying up, on Friday, and I’ve already been able to improve my quality of life. I can’t do tidying up justice in a blog post, but suffice it to say that it advocates basically getting rid of 2/3 or so of what you own, and only keeping those items which “spark joy”. That’s a fairly vague criterion for most, but as someone who values her intuition deeply, it is now the only criterion by which I evaluate my possessions. I’ve donated a ton of stuff already to my local Savers, as well as sold my nicer clothing on consignment or through Poshmark. I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me that my apartment didn’t have a storage issue—I had a hoarding issue! Honestly, how many sweaters does one woman need? Do I really need to keep all of my old exams and class notes? Fuck that. I feel so liberated from the burden of things. I hope to keep up the minimalism for the rest of my life! Being exclusively surrounded by items that give you joy is inspiring and mood-lifting.

So, that’s my personal recipe for winter survival! What tips do you employ to keep yourself sane during the colder months?

–DellaBites

Club’s going up—on a Tuesday

I took an accidental five-day hiatus from blogging. At first it was just so that I could focus on finishing my summer semester and turn out a 12-page research paper. (Mine was only 9 pages, to be fair, and honestly pretty recondite, but I FINISHED it, damn it.)

But then something completely insane and unexpected happened. I GOT ENGAGED!

I never thought in 8 million years that it would happen so soon. We had discussed and agreed that it was something we both wanted, but we weren’t in any rush. So that’s why, when he said “Let’s get married” on Tuesday night I didn’t believe him. For like an hour. I made him swear on his grandmother’s grave that he wasn’t messing with my head. I still kind of don’t believe it. It wasn’t overly romantic or cheesy. It felt like an equitable decision between two adults. So my style.

I still haven’t called him my fiancé out loud (it feels way too weird), but I did order a FEYONCÉ shirt on Etsy because I mean, I’m a girl. A girl who happens to love both Beyoncé and puns. Unfortunately, I have to wait 2 weeks to get my ring, since the jeweler is closed next week for the July 4th holiday (I know, the whitest of white girl problems). But it’s a hand-me-down from my mom that I’m having reset, so it’s really special and worth the wait.

Pretending to like each other.
Pretending to like each other.

I’m already finding it difficult to stay reasonable and sane when other people express their enthusiasm about “wedding things” but I always swore that I wasn’t that type of girl. I’ve got goals, man. I need to see France before I die. I want to be a homeowner and a mother to many cats (jury is still out on humans, but we’ll see). I’m not spending a small fortune on a wedding. So, wish me luck. Pray that I will not turn into a heinous bridezilla, and have to forfeit my membership to the feminist club.

Maybe this amazing song by Janelle Monae will help: